Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Barbra Reconsidered

I’m watching Barbra Streisand in ‘Hello Dolly’ and I just have to say, I adore it. And Barbra is to die and then come back and die again and then come back one more time with embalming fluid in you like in ‘Trilogy of Terror’. Her singing is sublime, her comic touch is as light as air and her hand dancing is non pareil. She’s like a Jungian psychiatrist manipulating her own shadow. ‘Hello Dolly’ is not the poor cousin to ‘Funny Girl’ but the more talented sister of ‘Yentl ’and Barbra Streisand is not just a ‘talentless hag with lighting issues ’as Marco refers to her. She’s a great star, maybe not the ‘greatest’, that’s still Bugs, but when she walks down that staircase to the horny waiters singing the title song I want to be her and if I can’t be her, then I want to be the carpet. I want her to crush me beneath her lace up boots. It’s all or nothing.

My friends all think I’ve lost it. You see I’m a legendary Barbra hatah. How did I, a card carrying gay man get that way? One word, ‘Prince of Tides.’ That’s three words. Two if you say it fast which I always try to. Then came ‘The Mirror Has Two Faces ’which is five words and it deserves every one because it’s two words worse. But tonight I realized, watching Barbra sing “You’re still growing, you’re still glowing, you’re still going strong,” while staring at the old waiter’s crotch that just because something has gone sour doesn’t mean that it once wasn’t ripe and juicy. And furthermore that with the proper care and enough moisture it can be made plump and delicious once again and that if that fails you can train yourself to like sour so you’re never really down for the count. And finally no matter what Bette does, she did start in the baths. That’s good enough for me.

Philosophers would say that my Barbra vendetta was a sign that I’d lost sight of my hate, that I had in fact let my hate out weigh my love. It’s true. I’ve been lashing out at certain celebrities, institutions, rituals, foodstuffs and countries indiscriminately for years now and I have to stop before one of then lashes back. It’s already gotten close. Last year it came to my attention that Belgium had heard about some of the cracks I'd made while working as a ‘popper pimp’* in Frankfurt and that they were thinking of undermining my bid to be the Grand Marshall of next years ‘Berlin Love Ball’ and so I’ve decided to say some nice things about them now, not because I feel pressure from the Hague but because I mean it. Here goes. “Belgium is easy to spell.” There, that wasn’t so bad.

The Bible says to hate only those that hate you and as far as I know parsnips have nothing against me and straight men knitting is not a direct personal attack on my value system but sometimes when you see a man pretending to be a god ruling a city that thinks it’s a country in a dress and ruby slippers you want to drop a house on him or at least a piece of the action.

Speaking of misunderstood divas I got so inspired by Britney shaving her head that I went out and shaved my testicles. Now does that mean I’m having a nervous breakdown? No. However the fact that I photographed them and put them on the internet might. I posted them to the official website of the Royal Family. I hope Liz doesn’t see them because she’d recognize them in an instant. Seven Christmases ago I was staying at Balmoral and I was helping some of the servants out, not that I was paying my way, I just like to help out when I stay with the Royals. They’re so helpless which of course is their charm. Anyways, I played a switcheroo with the haggis when I brought the dish to the table and of course her highness always does the honours and well, you can imagine. I was almost gelded that day.

Fagette sent me an e-mail. She’s doing fine. The man in the car wasn’t her father. It was actually a second cousin she never knew so she is getting closer. As for bartending, she’s teaching herself the classics at home after school. She sent me a picture of a Harvey Wallbanger. Leave it to her to champion an underdog.

*see previous post 'The Bitch is Back'.

Gabcast! ewe #28 - It's a Chevy

Elan Vitale lets fly with his unrestrained love of Chevrolet and all it's fine products. It may be short but it was also shortlisted as a candidate for the school song of the Yoko Ono Institute of Unlistenable Music.



Geheebers said...

Now, that's the Buddy Cole insight that I treasure! It's the deep, winding passageways that explore the inner workings of your mind that help enlighten our quotidien affairs.
Thank you for straightening out that Barbra business, Buddy. You put into words what needed to be put into words, and then some. There still may be some lighting issues, however, so Marco isn't entirely wrong. How could the critics have failed to mention the import of Barbra's serenade to the old waiter's crotch? I once heard my mother remark that she didn't like "Hello, Dolly" because she felt that Dolly had loose morals and had probably "slept around" a lot.
...just because something has gone sour doesn’t mean that it once wasn’t ripe and juicy. And furthermore that with the proper care and enough moisture it can be made plump and delicious once again and that if that fails you can train yourself to like sour... I often find myself trying to convince incontinent elderly folks that some people would consider wearing a diaper to be especially erotic, so if only they could adjust their attitude they might find a little more fun in life, but I guess it depends. What if life gives you lemons, and you really can't stand the taste of lemonade?

PsycoticPenguin said...

I'm watching The Wrong Guy on FX and reading your post about Barbara's movie career and I can't help but hope for a Buddy Cole musical one day. For, I fear, a regular movie may not do you justice. We miss seeing your face on the screen, dear. Without a Buddy cartoon, all we have are our KITH DVDs.

Say hello to Fagette from us.

Matt! said...

Speaking of "the mirror has two faces" Michael Musto of the Village Voice said that that film garnered every alternate title from "the bitch wants two oscars" to "the theater has two customers."

Alister said...

A Buddy Cole musical. Now that has to be one of the best ideas I've heard all year.

Tavie said...

But can Buddy sing?

BiPolar said...

Many years ago, Barbra played a private concert of her LP recordings at the home of my first gay dinner date.

It was endless, she sang for the entire night. The dinner date said, "I love Barbra".

I remember thinking oh, fcuk, get me out-of-here.

Barbra is superb of course. The evening was a total disaster.

I haven't been able to eat canned asparagus since.

Mimi & Flo said...

Of course Buddy can Sing! And Dance! Buddy Babylon is just waiting to be turned into an epic Motion Picture Musical.

Mimi & Flo

Tavie said...

I hate Barbra. Even Buddy can't make me not hate Barbra. Her voice just curdles my innards. I can't explain it.

That said, her singing that rendition of "Jingle Bells" reallyreallyfast never fails to crack me up, so I guess every cloud does have a silver lining.

Lana said...

If you want a real treat then I suggest you head over to YOU TUBE and watch Barbra's performance of 'Evergreen' at the 1976 Academy Awards. She sports the most unfortunate perm I have ever seen. When she first starts to sing her silloute is shrouded in darkness. Slowly, the lights begin to brighten. Then she whips her head around and finally reveals the hair. It is much more frightnening then Karen Black at the end of 'Trilogy Of Terror'! Then I noticed that her microphone was a weird "bronze mocha" color. I thought that was odd until I got a good look at her dress which was the same color. She must of had the microphone painted like she did on 'Oprah'.

LLJessR said...

Buddy... Funny you should bring up Carl Jung... I used his shadow projection theory to justify my lavish amounts of shit talking... Something I would secretly love to do with you...

Anonymous said...

Mr. Buddy Cole,

After our brief meeting at the Ron Sexsmith concert, I do hope that you pick up my card and call. It would be a pleasure to find that perfect place for you, one with a built in Yoko Ono filtration system.


Ryan Dupuis


LLJessR said...

wait till you see what im making for you...

....just you wait.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure about parsnips not having anything against you buddy, I heard that there was going to be some sort of protest set up by a large hairy eggplant and a small radish that smells of a grapes bellend about how you have been neglecting parsnips - they're not happy. I'm sure it will be fine and Barbra has been contacted and she will be on your side. xx

Tad. said...

Hey Buddy. Have a fantastic day today. I mean it.

Alister said...

I just heard that Barbra has stopped blogging on her website.
Do you think you've stolen most of her blog reader audience. I think you must have some of them but this isn't any reason for her to stop blogging on her site.

I look forward to you return.

God save the Queen.

- Honeychurch

LLJessR said...

Speaking of God save the Queen...


I was watching the Academy Awards last night, and was heart broken that Liz did not play herself in the most recent film about her!

How could you let that happen!?

I mean, look how beautiful she is...

buddy cole said...

It's true she does look stunning in that shot and like something you might see in a rugby scrum but that's the magic of LIz. She somehow combines in one monarch the delicacy of a princess with the hardiness of a dock worker.