Saturday, February 3, 2007

Peace in Our Time

On Friday night this blog was viciously attacked by a shadowy terrorist group known only as ‘Anonymous’. When the idiot barrage first began my first thought was that it was cabaret hag and B-movie star Francesca Fiori and her compatriot, international skin care super-mogul Mister Dr. Robert Young. After all it was only a week ago that this deadly duo had destroyed my new state of the art jungle lair/production facilities. Why wouldn’t they be behind this newest outrage?

But then that night I received a pigeon gram from Miss Fiori herself disavowing any connection to the cyber attack, saying that she would never stoop to such levels, that in fact her hairdresser was a gay man who had lost his right testicle to an angry macaw and her makeup artist was another gay man who had lost his left testicle to, oddly enough, a friendly macaw. It’s hard to tell the difference with a macaw. Then the pigeon said, quote, “So as you can see, I am most aware of this bizarre situation in all direction.” There you have it. A peace offer.

So I took it. I believed her. Why? I don’t know. Call it a hunch. Maybe I’m just tired of war. Maybe it was just because the pigeon had such an honest face. Who knows? So I sent the dirty dove back saying I believed her and wanted peace but with the proviso that Dr. Robert Young must not be involved in this act of terrorism. The bird returned a few hours later saying that she had cut off all association with Dr. Young and that she was a free agent once again and, quote, “Peace, yes or no? Aiiee! I can’t be all day wait for you.”

I had to believe her. This blog needs to be at Peace. There’s too many of you now to play around with war. So this evening as I lay in my hammock in a country I can’t name for security reasons but which rhymes with Bill Gates and I thought about how I was one day from home and how much nicer it would be to arrive home to a blog at peace and as I pulled my guide Ortiz closer to me I thought this is a very long sentence and that I should think about ending it fairly soon and then I thought, no, there’s more life in this sentence and I intend to find out exactly how much more and boy, it's hard to make love in a hammock. So I decided to check the blog to see what people were saying and that’s when I discovered the love bombing campaign that was going on below the posts. I was overcome with emotion and I started to tear up until I noticed a monkey watching me with contempt and I stopped. Then Ortiz slid in behind me and put his arms around my waist comfortingly and I reached down and patted him on the head. He’s a small man but a good one. I decided then and there to accept Francesca’s offer of peace. I looked back at Ortiz sleeping peacefully in the hammock and I thought, “Who the hell’s head did I just pat?” The monkey in the tree began to laugh mockingly.

So there you have it. Peace in our time. How long it will last, only Oprah knows. All we can do now is enjoy this moment or as the great gay poet Lord Compture de Cockhead writes, “Enjoy your Aids.” So true. So in honour of this historical moment I’ve written a little ditty inspired by the immortal words of Lord Cockhead. It’s called ‘Aids Faggot’. It’s message is universal and that’s why I think it will make a wonderful pop song one day.

Aids Faggot

There once was a faggot called Desu
who loved all things Desilu
He wrote a song about Julie
and not about Lucy
And now there’s a hullabaloo.

Enjoy your aids bitch
Enjoy your aids bitch!
Enjoy your aids bitch!
And your syphilis too.

He has a friend called Tom Green
Who thinks the Taliban are keen
And does barrel rolls with stoners on the net
Though he may have one ball
It’s big enough for all
He’s a faggot loving motherfucker with a pet

Enjoy your aids bitch
Enjoy your aids bitch!
Enjoy your aids bitch!
And your syphilis too.

I hope you like the poem. If it’s not to your taste then why not try listening to this song that my old band ‘Mouth Congress’ recorded back in the early nineties during a party at vocalist/producer extraordinaire Sal Surroundo’s beachfront condo. It’s called, “The New Sobriety” and is a discussion of Nancy Reagan’s ‘Just Say No ’ Campaign which was about exactly when and where Ronnie could touch her. Butch Jenkins, probably the sluttiest person I’ve ever known was staying at the place that weekend and after indulging in a little of everything and everyone, he asked if he could sit in on a session. We said sure, not having any idea what was to come. What happened next was completely improvised and never repeated and nobody else at the party even knew that we were recording. This is the first time anyone but the participants involved have ever heard this rare recording. Enjoy your aids.

Gabcast! ewe #21 - The New Sobriety

Butch Jenkins sits in with Mouth Congress and unleashes his Id on the world while Buddy Cole and the gang including Sal Surroundo and Barley Jones go with the raunchy flow.


Thursday, February 1, 2007

Julie Newmar and Dyke Daughters at the SAAD Awards

Mouth Congress, with the help of guest vocalist Ulie Jewmar takes on the illustrious rise and fall of Julie Newmar. No, strike that, there was no fall. How about the rise and rise of that late Sixties early Seventies star Julie Newmar? That's better. After listening to this eighties cult band rip the lid off of aging actresses there will never be a question again of who was the best Catwoman. In this picture Julie stands wtith her two lesbian daughters at the SAAD awards (Society Against Aging Dykes). It's amazing. They look older than her. Whether that is a testament to good plastic surgery or an indictment of lesbian skin care or perhaps the SAAD awards themselves, it's hard to say. As for La Newmar, if that's what plastic surgery does, then sign me up. Looking human is so last year. I'm so inspired, I'm going to attach some fishing hooks and filament to my cheekbones, then climb up the biggest tree I can find, loop the wire around a branch and jump out. I feel younger already.

Gabcast! ewe #20 - Julie Newmar


Ulie warms Up


Ulie's Five Finger Turnout

Ulie is coming.
Jewmar is closing
Five finger turnout
All that's left is the hosing

Ulie Jewmar is Coming

let me see that thong!
Originally uploaded by TrekkerPanda.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Blood Diamond

Diamond Age
Originally uploaded by jurvetson.
Dear ewesies, I apologize for such a long time away from you. I know it's only been a few days but for me it feels like an eternity. I can't imagine what it must feel like for ewe. So in honour of this feeling I'm posting a picture of my favourite jewel, an eternity diamond. She was given to me by the wonderful actor Djimon Hounsou after his time in Africa filming that important film 'Blood Diamond'. Let's just say I helped him with his accent in one of my popular shirtless acting workshops. In the picture you can see him clutching his script as I give him a line reading. Some actors don't like that but Djimon insists on it. In fact his entire performance in the movie is a complete imitation of my performance. Now some acting coaches would be upset about this and launch one of those ugly lawsuits which are so common in our suit crazy age but that would only bring attention to me and cast doubt on Djimon's Oscar nominated performance. I'm happy for Djimon and I'm certain that come Oscar night when Djimon strides up to that hallowed stage and accepts his well deserved Oscar, my name will be the first words out of his mouth. I can't wait. I just hope he doesn't out me like Tom Hanks did for his wretched performance in that television movie 'Philadelphia'. Please! The only other worse nominated performance was for Leonardo DiCaprio as that boyish lesbian who is raped by Kate Winslett in 'Titanic'. I'm just glad he wasn't nominated for anything this year. What's that Marco? You're kidding me? My best friend Marco who just dropped in for a cup of poppers just informed me that apparently Leonardo DiCaprio was also nominated for his performance in 'Blood Diamond.' I didn't even know he was in the movie. That's like that time some of us were discussing that Diane Keaton vehicle "The Godfather' and some straight man who was listening in told us that Al Pacino was actually the star. I still don't believe it. All I saw was Diane Keaton, Talia Shire and Morgana KIng. Some people will say anything just to talk to me.

Jewel is not just beautiful but she also sings. She's only recorded one song but it's a keeper. In light of the continuing carnage in Africa caused by man's lust for blood diamonds, I'm hoping that this proof of the intelligence of the most elegant form of carbon wil help stop the illicit trade in these beautiful stones.

Gabcast! ewe #19 - Jewel

A stirring song about hope and beauty by the most beautiful and intelligent jewel in the world.