Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Tippitoe thru the Two Lips

Since I'm so busy with my move, I've been unable to post as much as I'd like. However, lucky for me, my old friend Weston Esterhazy, tabloid reporter at large and the real Perez Hilton dropped by with a story that will curl your merkin. Let me just let Weston tell the story in his own words.

Weston Esterhazy Reports

Hello, my name is Weston Esterhazy and I’m a tabloid reporter and even though I’m not affiliated with any official media outlets in either television, radio, print or the internet, and don’t have any official journalistic accreditation in either the United States,England, Canada or the Bahamas I do live in Hollywood and I love the business of show and isn’t that what it’s all about.

So onto today’s Celebrity News. I’m walking down Melrose Ave. the other day when who should be coming towards me but Tippi Hedren and her daughter Melanie Griffith. That’s amazing enough but the best part was they were both sporting camel toes. At first I thought it was a trick of the light or a hallucination possibly brought on by the Gingko Biloba in my Jamba Juice but when I looked again, boom, there it was. I was on to a scoop but the only problem was, I didn’t have a camera. I had pure gold and no way to spin it.

Then I noticed Tippi pulling a little camera out of her purse. I started thinking about my dog named Tippi who got lumpy and died. Then I thought, I gotta get that camera. I noticed Melanie was pressing her fish lips against a poster of herself in some movie. “It looks like a good movie.” I say. Melanie looks up and goes, “ It sucks. “ I then noticed the poster was for “Crazy in Alabama.” So, she’s not totally stupid, I thought.

Then Tippi raised the camera to take a picture of her daughter. I knew I had to act. I suggested that I take a picture of the two of them together kissing Melanie on either cheek, and they thought it was a great idea. I could tell they’d been drinking, which is always helpful in my business. The glamorous pair got into position. Then I realized, the way they were posed, you couldn’t see the goods so thinking quickly, I asked Tippi to throw her arm around her daughter. She looked confused. I suddenly realized, it wasn’t Tippi Hedren at all but Janet Leigh.

I knew I had two options. I could either tell the truth and say that I had mistaken Janet Leigh for Tippi Hedren or I could lie and say that I’d mistaken Melanie Griffith for Jamie Lee Curtis. So, I say to Melanie that I’m sorry that I mistook her for Jamie Lee Curtis. And then she goes, “ I am Jamie Lee Curtis you fucking idiot,” really loud, in my face. That’s when I finally recognized her. She’d had her lips done and so it had thrown me.

Then the person whom I think is Janet goes, “ And I’m sure not her fucking mother. So I look at her like, now what, and then I realize with a horrible sinking feeling that it’s not Janet Leigh at all but David Spade. The picture was becoming more worthless by the second.

Suddenly a mud covered Range Rover comes squealing to a halt right in front of us and who should get out but Tippi Hedren herself. She was wearing absolutely no makeup which advertised her aversion to sunscreen and her tan safari jacket which was filthy and covered in cat hair hung loosely on her gaunt frame. Looped loosely around one wrist was a dirty rope which was attached to what looked like some sort of an animal. Then her animal got out of the vehicle. He was a big striped cat, but not a calico, more of an actual tiger really. I was suddenly aware of the camera in my hand and without thinking, I pointed it and clicked. The tiger immediately charged. I threw the camera at the beast but it missed and hit Tippi and she went down like a sack of papery bones. The next thing I remember is waking up under Peabo Brysons hedge wearing nothing but plastic handcuffs, an order to appear in court on the 27th and a cum sock. If you would like to send me money so I can make the court date and find out what charges I’m facing so that I don’t end up like Paris Hilton, then send it to Peabo Bryson, c/o the Hollow and the Tree.



BiPolar said...

Dear Weston, Although you feel (quote)

"I do live in Hollywood and I love the business of show and isn’t that what it’s all about." (unquote Weston)

I recommend you buy yourself a Television to watch "the business of show" from home.

Celebrities can be very confusing at the best of times for you to be on the street.

Jem said...

Weston would make an excellent reporter. I think he should be the editor-in-chief of his own celebrity magazine and make millions of American dollars. I found this article very well written, even Tiny Tim himself would be proud.

lory said...

what a predicament! you poor man! do you take american express? lol

lory said...

hilarious pic, too, btw ; )

PsycoticPenguin said...

I'm thinking you may need new glasses Weston. This is an occurence I doubt you'd like to repeat.

Laura said...

Weston is quite the writer :) (and I must agree with psychoticpenguin about the glasses. Hmmm...)

Buddy, I hate to be a pest, but asking you is probably the only way to get an answer to this question of mine. You see, a couple of friends and I are (hopefully) going to go see "The Kids in the Hall" in Montreal this summer--not sure which date yet. And here's the question part: Will Scott and the other kids be at all accesible at any point during their stay in Montreal? I drew a piece of fanart:


and it would mean so much to me if it were signed by the Kids. I'm part of the LGBT community, and aspire to get into writing and theatre (specifically comedy) so, you see, these guys are truly heroes of mine.

Anyway, I hope you pass all I said onto Scott ;)

Thank you, Buddy! Keep on being fabulous.


Lana said...

Did you ask Jamie Lee Curtis about her alleged penis?

lory said...

laura, i'm not buddy,scott,dave,bruce,mark,kevin, or bellini or anyone of importance lol but i saw your drawing and i thought you did an excellent job! i'm sure buddy and scott will be pleased ; )
p.s. laura, you gave me a wonderful idea! i could just ask for the kids in the hall dvds for my birthday or christmas! why in the hell didn't i think of that before? that is a sure way to own those dvds! thanks! ; )
p.s.s. hello there, buddy. muah!

PsycoticPenguin said...

Laura! I feel the exact same way.

I have presents for the Kids (and Buddy if he shows). I am going on a Greyhound bus for 24 hours to see KITH (on the 20th (for KITH, 21st for Kevin), if you'd like to choose that date and say hi to another KITH/Buddy fan) and then Kevin, and then take a 24 hour Greyhound trip back. In that time, I would really love to actually give them their presents in a NON-CREEPY way.

Will they be around after or before shows?

lory said...

i'd do more to see the kith than what i'd do for a klondike bar, let me tell ya. anyone who gets to see them is very lucky! too bad i'm not one of the lucky ones. hell, i'm not even lucky enough for buddy to talk to me on here. lol oh well!

lory said...

sorry i keep bugging everyone, and i'm not trying to advertise here, but i have LOTS of GREAT scott pics (and kith pics) on my myspace page if anyone is interested in seeing them ; ) he's just so damn HOT! anywho, sorry for wasting more space on here...take care everyone.
p.s. hello there, scottie too hottie ; ) muah!

BiPolar said...

Dear Weston, Do you make your own clothes? I can see you comb your own hair!

The vests could become big sellers for you.

lory said...

my god! what in the hell was i thinking last night? "scottie too hottie"? wtf? please forgive me for saying that! how embarrassing! i feel horrible about that (and very embarrassed lol). to punish myself, i think i'll go pour some salt in my eyes, although SOMEWHERE i've heard over and over NOT to do that ; )hmmm...i deserve it, though. i mean, not very many "scott's" like to be called "scottie" and surely not "too hottie" after that lmfao! i'm sooo sorry!

T. Ruth said...

Oh Weston, how exciting to see you out there...
My husband and I were watching the Kids in the Hall the other week and I asked him, "Honey, does Perez Hilton know he's just a cheap floozy rip off of 'Come closer, closer, closer still. Okay that's too close' and should he get away with it?" My husband shrugged, but I think it's time for a showdown.
T. Ruth Betold

Anonymous said...

I was on the shitter earlier today, and a flash of that pic of you on the toliet came to my mind. I have you to thank for that! Ha!