Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Hats and Balls

After rigorously going over the submissions for the 'Questions and Queries' column, I have chosen Psychotic Penguin's submission for this first installment because it touches on so many of the issues of today that are ripping our society apart. There is absolutely no truth to the rumour that I took money from said penguin. It was a donation to my charity FindSave which benefits the forgotten spinal bifida children of Patagonia. So without further ado, I will bid adieu and turn it over to ewe.

Dear Buddy,
If a guy gives you a colorful (or, in your case, colourful) rubber ball with his name on it, does that mean he likes you?


Dear Shaina. First let me say that you sound like a very nice person, notwithstanding your moniker Psychotic Penguin. However I muist advise you against the i in your name. Look what it does to must. It makes me want to pronounce your name like hyaena. That said, if it is actually pronounced that way, then my deepest apologies to you and all your people whoever they are. As to your attack on Canadian spelling let me just say that even though the o u combination is such an irritant to spell check. and Americans it’s worth it.

Now to the nub of your question, the rubber ball with someone’s name on it.. Throughout history the signed rubber ball has been associated with romantic love. From the ancient Sumerians to the modern Sumerians, a man giving you a rubber ball which he has signed has always meant he desired marriage. A sgned black rubber ball that is. A signed colourful rubber ball means you probably just met me as that’s the only way I sign autographs anymore. You see an Aunt of mine who was a hoarder recently passed and left me ten thousand colourful rubber balls and ever since I’v e been trying to get rid of them. Now as to how you forgot meeting me, that I cannot explain. Interestingly enough I do like you but not that way so I guess my answer to your question is a qualified ‘yes..’

My niece Fagette just called. She said she missed me and couldn’t wait to visit me in Toronto. I haven’t told her yet that I’ve moved to Hollywood. I’ll cross that bridge when she shows up on my nonexistent doorstep in the T-dot like she did the last time. She. was very excited because she got a C on her project at school. I told her that marks weren't what counted. That a C was nice but it wouldn’t buy happiness. Popularity does that. So I asked her what sort of press she'd received and she told me that it had been overwhelmingly positive which is never a good sign. I once went to a screening of a movie where people hated it so much they stood up at the end just to show their support. It's only when things are great that people feel that it's okay to criticize.

It reminds me of that time in Hatworld when a top hat named Tim and a rasta hat named Rufus were flying around one day smoking a big spliff and debating whether or not a toupe should be considered a hat. Even Socrates would have needed two boys to solve that one. Tim was pro-toupee, but Rufus said if you start letting in toupees where will it end? Bubble wigs? Glasses perched on the head? Weaves? Suddenly, they were surrounded by a V-formation of blue foam cowboy hats. Their brims drooped. They were obviously drunk. "Oh my god, one's got a hat pin, screamed Rufus ". Tim the top hat remained frozen in the air like a frightened Fred Astaire. Then everything became still, like that moment just before you're named Miss Universe.

Then, something moved across the sun, like an eclipse, and it became very cold. They all looked up to see a hat so big you could stage a high school production of Flower Drum Song on it. It was God. The foam cowboy hats scattered and Rufus and Tim fell into each other's brims with relief and when they looked up the big hat was gone. Now, that’s the kind of God that I can handle. Large, stylish, and knows when to leave a party.



Andrea said...

You know what's sad? If that big god hat existed, I would wear it.

lory said...

welcome back buddy! missed ya! glad to hear fagette is fine, too lol muah!

PsycoticPenguin said...

Dear Buddy,

I have made many comments to my parents about the spelling of my name. I find it rude and uncoordinated like a hobo ballerina. Worst of all, they claim that it is not their fault. They found the spelling of the name in a baby book. I wonder if the baby book is actually real or if this isn't just a cruel joke. The other spellings are Shana and Shayna. I would have liked the y. It's fun and springy. It is pronounced liked that anyway. What's wrong with that?

My people are Caucasian, by the way. My name is Yiddish, oy those Jews. It means pretty. Man, that could have turned out embarrassing for my parents.

Also, I made no rude comment about your spelling. I was just making it known that we have differences and just because we have them, doesn't mean we can't share in the beauty of our languages.

All of that and no question of how I spell PsycoticPenguin without the h? Tsk tsk.

Thank you for answering my question. If that was you giving me a signed rubber ball in Chicago last February, then I am shocked. We had such a long conversation about Kids in the Hall and Buddy Cole and you never mentioned a thing. How humble of you. We should continue text messaging as we have been. It's been nice.

This has been a long reply. Maybe I'm just giddy.

With all the like that I possess,

liezl said...

dear mr cole,

thank you for making an appearance this saturday at ucla. it was most enjoyable. please tell your dear friend kevin to come out and greet his adoring fans next time, or lest he be subjected to a public lynching.


KatieKate said...


Would you please contact me privately at; I have some business to discuss with you that isn't for public consumption ... yet.

I will say here only that it's to do with Canadian education ... and hope that is enough to compel you to drop me a line so I can explain.


Allure said...

I've been calling you but haven't gotten a hold of you.
Will you please call me?
You can also email me at


- Alister Honeychurch

lory said...

well, since everyone else is giving out thier emails, maybe i should too lol! hey, buddy ole pal, you can contact me at! ; ) i'm just messing with ya! anywho, i miss you. i hope all is well. take care and come back soon please. muah!
p.s. please tell your good friend scott i said hello and muah ; )

BiPolar said...

Hi Buddy! Such fun, thanks.

Buddy wrote;"Tim the top hat remained frozen in the air like a frightened Fred Astaire."

That little gem made me spit all over my monitor again. Lots of saliva and lots of laughter who could ask for more?

I'm moist.

Lana said...

But it was a special C! It was a C with promise!

lyle said...

Towards Mr.Scott Thompson:

Greetings this is lyle schultz, creator of "Ocean Retarded".
Curious as to what you thought of it,currently working on the second edition.
Still have strange little memories of your performance last fall on the island.
You can contact me at my website
take care.

BiPolar said...

Dear Buddy, I saw your friend Scott on He was looking and sounding ever so good.

He wanted to let the 'ewesies' know he's very busy and will write when he can. But not necessarily to us.

BearHugs xox

psycoticpenguin said...

Dear Scott,

I just wanted to let you know that if you feel like writing as you here, we're okay with that. I guess maybe I shouldn't speak for the crowd, but I will anyway.

I know we're all into the game. It's great. We talk to you like you're Buddy and you do the same.

I was thinking about what you said on Tom Green, though. Just because this is an in character blog, doesn't mean you have to stay in character. We're smart people (hopefully) and we understand that you're actually Scott. Posting as yourself won't scare us out of some kind of fantasy world.

We want you to enjoy posting and reading our responses. If that means you're Buddy one day, Scott the next, and Fran the 47th than I'm sure we'll all be fine with it.

In any case, who knows if you'll ever read this or you'll read it in a good time or whatever. But, hey, just thought I'd let you know.

Your fan,

GetOnMyMap Media said...

awesome show at IO West last night (thursday - 7/12). What's your myspace?

BiPolar said...

Saw "The Kids in the Hall" reunion on stage in Montreal at the "Just For Laughs" 25th Anniversary.

They were DELICIOUS!!! There was a standing ovation when they walked on stage, another at the end and then an Encore Ovation and an encore performance to boot!!!

LOVED seeing everyone again!!!

Buddy, you looked particularly Horny. Did you hear me laughing?

Hair swooped up, Gold satin blouse and legs crossed several times over, like a downward spiraling Barber Pole. We know Poles are in.

Thanks for the FUN! Please say Hi to the guys from Me! xox

Controlled by Bees said...

I think it would be half and half with the results. but here goes.

If Dyonne Warwick pull up to you on the side of the road and asked Do you know the way to San Jose? Would You,

A) Actually tell her how to get there.

B) Be so Irate that you tell her to just walk on by

c) don't tell her anything and in the morning while you put on your make up, You say a little prayer for her

d) Call up a psychic and ask for directions

e) Call Whitney Houston to look it up on mapquest after she puts down the crack pipe.

f) What would Bacharach do?

Lana said...

Guys and Gals, he is never coming back to this blog.

But this is postive! He's onto bigger and better things.

And in the meantime we need to find new ways to entertain ourselves.

So does watching Hulk Hogan shitting on a toilet in 'Hulk Knows Best' disturb anyone else?

silencio said...

It is summer, and I am bored...and I have made a to-do list for ST.
a)Update your blog
b)Appear on the Tom Green show more character(s)
c)Reunite with the KITH members, and if you can't gather them all, go out yourself, and play all the characters yourself. Dammit.
d)Move back to Brampton.
e)Move to Toronto after returning to Brampton.

Geheebers said...

Some sombrero, senior?

Paulina ~ said...

Dear Mr Cole:

Please pass this to Scott:

I remember meeting you in Toronto way back in 1996 when you wrapped my hair around your darling face. The Edge radio was interviewing you and Mark.

I miss Toronto, too. I'm somewhere in Tennessee now, watching KITH in the evening.

You're awesomeness, always. Remember that.

Christy said...

Hi Buddy. Seen Bauer around? I miss that dude.

Vinnie said...

OK, someone, anyone out there, I need your help! I am trying to find the episode where Buddy Cole coaches the Sappho Sluggers lesbian softball team. It is without question the funniest comedy I have ever seen. Does anyone know what season it came out? I have searched the internet for over a month. Scott? Can you help or anyone?

PsycoticPenguin said...

You obviously haven't been searching that hard. will help you with any future questions. It's called Buddy Cole Plays Softball, episode 202. Here's a transcript of it.

I can't find any videos online. Maybe you should just buy the seasons. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Hi, this is not so related to your page, but it is the site you asked me 1 month ago about the abs diet. I tried it, worked well. Well here is the site

bigfan said...

I once saw you during a taping of a Dr. Phil show. I was so excited to see you, especially sine his show was so boring. It was an update show, but seeing you made my experience perfect. I said I love you and smiled and waved, we shared a moment. Still love you......

Anonymous said...

Dear Buddy,

I would love to get in touch with Scott Thompson, and was wondering if you could help?

I am working on a documentary film being directed by Malcolm Clarke (Prisoner of Paradise - 2004 Academy Award Nominee - and co-produced by Alan Handel out of Montreal, QC.

We would love to tell Scott more about the project, and the people involved. We are really interested in hearing more about the screenplay Scott wrote which is loosely based on personal experiences in Brampton 1975.

I can be reached anytime at:

Thank you for your help!

All the best,


Gin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gin said...

Alas...I fear I may have found this blog too late. :( As the emoticon suggests, this makes me sad. I do hope you come back and update. But if you are doing what you love to do, then I can only be happy for you and wish you the best of luck.

Much adoration, Gin.

holly johnson said...

everytime someone gives me a rubber ball with their name on it, i assume its an invitation to a game of racquetball!

Pamplemousse said...

Buddy, where have you gone?

Is this blog over?

I miss you.

Anonymous said...

How do go about booking Buddy for a performance?

Anonymous said...

This is very fine web site, thank you and look at that [url=http;//]gry dla dzieci[/url]

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Helo ! Forex - Outwork чашкой кофе получают удовлетворение от работы получают деньги , пройти регистрацию forex [url=]forex[/url]