Saturday, January 27, 2007

The True Meaning of Friendship

I'm still here in the jungle in a country I can't name for security reasons but which sounds a lot like Sticaragua. I tried to fix the bi-plane but it was impossible. Nobody makes parts for bi-planes anymore. In fact most people don’t even believe bi’s of any kind exist but I know better. The truth is it's easier to find components for a nuclear bomb. Three calls. That's all it takes. So I'm hiking out which should take about a week or so.

Because of the accident with my last guide Ortiz I had to I hire a new guide whose name is also Ortiz. Oddly enough he looks exactly like the other Ortiz except he has better skin which makes me think he might be gay but I can’t be sure. We've been traveling for a couple of days now and although our relationship is cordial, it hasn't been exactly what you would call sisterly, that is until today.

We're walking along the river sweating profusely and I suggest a swim to cool off. He blanches beneath his brown skin and tells me that it is infested with piranha and would be certain death to enter it. I told him I once worked in a button factory so I knew all about piranhas. He said, 'Button? Button is just for fasten.” I said, 'Exactly. Everybody uses buttons. One day we won't be using oil but we'll still be using buttons. Then he finally got it. Then we hear this commotion coming from around the bend. Ortiz puts his hand up to his mouth in the international sign of Sssh and I finish my sentence and then go quiet. We hear voices, a man and two women and it sounds like they’re discussing the career of Estelle Getty. They suddenly stop their discussion and then the man yells out, "We're coming around a corner ladies! Stroke hard! Then a boat pops into view. Inside are Beatrice Arthur, Betty White and Rue McClanahan. Just what I thought, a man and two women. Betty and Rue are trying valiantly to stop the boat from running into the opposite bank and Bea is standing in the prow barking out directions. She points at a shallow beach on the opposite side of the river and yells, "There!" That's it! That's the place!"

Ortiz and I duck behind a tree and watch quietly. Bea was the first to alight. She hopped onto the shore barefoot and quickly tied the boat to a tree. Then she hauled it in hand after hand fighting the current the whole way while Betty and Rue tried to help by stroking madly against the current. Finally they got the boat to shore and the other two hopped out. Betty was last. She was holding a golden urn which she clutched closely to her bosom. Then the three of them put their hands on the urn and turned the lid as one. They pulled it off and then turned it over and all this dust and dirt came out. As the dust blew away with the wind and the little pieces fell into the water the river suddenly erupted into a boiling froth as the piranhas went into a feeding frenzy. I realized that it must be the remains of Estelle Getty and that this beach area must have been an important place for her. I guess all those stories about her being a spy for Somoza were correct. As I turned back to Ortiz I noticed that he was crying. That was all I needed. He was definitely gay.

So I said,” Don’t be sad Ortiz. Estelle had a good run. This is a beautiful thing.” He said, “Estelle’s not dead yet.” Suddenly my impulse to ask them for a ride back to civilization didn’t seem like such a good idea. “Perhaps,” I said, trying to put a positive spin on the macabre events, “but she’s not on TV anymore and that’s almost the same thing to an old trouper like her.” He nodded in international gay understanding. As I turned back to watch the three dames get back into the boat to make their return journey, I noticed that the river was now filled with hundreds of dead piranha and I thought to myself, “Via con dios Estelle and Heaven help Heaven.”

Gabcast! ewe #18 - Womyn's Common

In which a group of women squeeze all the joy out of being a woman.



Lana said...

I think you're going to need a bigger boat!

BiPolar said...

Dear Buddy, I'm so happy the new Ortiz has better skin. You have a reputation to maintain.

I can't help but feel your hi-ass, atop of your hi-horse, may have contributed to Ortiz #1's early demise.

Thanks for understanding the "Bi" thing. Bi-planes, Bi-Polar Bears and Bi-the-way are good examples that Bi exists.

Buddy, don't worry about the piranhas, you've swum with Sharks! Piranhas' are like guppies by comparison.

The Gabcast performance sounds just like Jennifer Hudson before "Dreamgirls".

Anonymous said...

Didn’t you once tell me that most men are Bi and those who enjoy a good musical are just a few chorus lines away from Gay town?

- Alister Honeychurch

buddy cole said...

I was wrong Honeychurch. Apparently bi-planes aren't just confused planes. That is not to say that I myself am a bi-plane although I have flown that way a few times.

buddy cole said...

Let's just say that I got caught in a tailwind and everyone knows how much I love tails no matter what they're attached to. Sincerely, a malleable but not confused Buddy Cole.

geheebers said...

Isn't "Golden Girls" still in syndication in, um, Sticaragua? Was Ortiz (the second one) impressed by the sight of the two women and the little man in the boat?

These posts are breathtaking, Buddy. I fear that their length may limit those whose interest in your adventures of a more furtive nature. Those would be the people with jobs, Buddy, who have to answer questions from the IT guy.


buddy cole said...

Frankly geheebers, I find your self absorption breathtaking. If you find my posts too time consuming because you have a 'job' then obviously the answer is to quit your job. All the other members of the ewe family have made this choice. As for the IT guy, all I can say is why are you hanging around people called IT. The only IT I know is that wild mangy wig from the Adams family and here at ewe there are plenty of mangy wigs willing to answer your questions about hair care.

Emmie Johnson said...

Friendship is a bliss...U r lucky to have it..o just enjoy!!

robert swayze said...

Friendship is a gift right from God which only the lucky stars get...I'm glad to know that u r one of them..cherish it as this is one relation on Earth which we can name as wishes :)