Thursday, March 1, 2007

Backstage Oscar Shenanigans

I think I've been too hard on Ellen. People keep telling me funny things she said and I have no recollection. I think I might have blacked out. At first I wasn't going to drink at all but then someone offered me a martini and so I was stuck. The truth is there was so much happening in the room that no one paid any attention to the proceedings.

First of all there was my dear friend, Costumer to the Stars if Canada had them, Dooley Fiizgerald, whose miniature shar-pei Jelly Roll had recently died. He was, as you can imagine, disconsolate but he managed to put on a brave face, albeit not the one he was born with. "Jelly will always be with me " he said to me tearfully at one point and I patted his knee and said "Of course he will Dooley." Then he reached over and picked up his knockoff Prada bag and opened it up and said "Look" and sure enough there was Jelly Roll nestled in the bottom of the huge bag amongst a pile of hard candies, kleenex and makeup.

"He's not mummified is he?" I asked in a reasonable manner.
"Oh no" protested Dooley. "I got him stuffed Buddy. The very best too. Doctor Desh Bindi. He came highly reccomended from Fermana Pahlavi. He did her yellow anaconda Harvey. He looks fabulous draped around her. They came to the Black and Blue Ball together. Stopped the show."
"Jelly looks different besides being dead and all." I said.
"Oh yes. I had his eyes done. Took off all those unsightly folds and flapdoodles. The poor thing could barely see when he was alive. It's the least I can do for him now that he's dead."
That's when Sal Surroundo asked me if I wanted a martini.

At one point one of Sal's boyfriends, I think it's the one with the tattoo of the skyline of Brampton on his chest, started a fight with the bartender Sal had hired. The boyfriend accused the bartender of putting mix in his drink and it soon escalated into a very loud discussion of what really went into the Pentagon on September llth. The bartender said it was a missile and the boyfriend said it was a bird. The only person in the room who thought it was a plane was Dick Cheney's visibly pregnant lesbian daughter who was visiting Sal. At one point the boyfriend started screaming "You're killing my country!" at which point the bartender said, "I'm American too" and then they collapsed into each other's arms sobbing like drunken Irishmen.

The highlight of the evening was when Peter Spizzie came on to Marco's mother, Bogva, (pictured above) who was visiting from Hungary. Peter is bisexual with a predilection for older eastern european women and younger pacific islander men. Even Margaret Mead couldn't make that connection. Marco's mother must be sixty five if if she's a day and doesn't look remotely like a Fijian boy. She had recently lost her husband on a trip to Hungary. The story was they had gone there on a trip to explore their roots and while they were investigating an old cave where her great grandparents had supposedly lived, the whole thing came down on them, killing him instantly and leaving her with a permanent dent in her head. There was no brain damage except she could suddenly speak fluent Hungarian, had no recollection of her husband and family and was suddenly a complete nymphomaniac. Naturally Marco was having a very difficult time with the whole situation and had recently insinuated himself back into his mother's life as her assistant. She had no idea who he was but they got along famously and he intended to tell her who he was when he asked for a raise. When his mother started making out with Peter in the kitchen he lost it. He threw down his plate of jellied eel and yelled at his mother to remember his father's good name. She just turned around and said "You're fired." then dissapeared into one of Sal's bedrooms with Peter. The rest of the evening is a blur which is where all my best ideas come from.

Gabcast! ewe #31 - Philadelphia Slave Girl

In honour of the unholy dysfunction and gothic drama of Oscar Night, I would like to offer up the most disturbing track that Mouth Congress ever recorded. Sal Surroundo, Barley Vep, Jack Smith and Uli Jewmar all contributed their unholy talents to this demented paean to slave girls around the world. Recorded in a cold cellar in Jack's country home, the entire musical swill was done in one take as usual but with one exciting addition. Before the recording everyone including Uli's actual consensual slave girl Crystal drank a jug of water and so throughout the session we are all fighting the urge to urinate. I think that's what gives the song it's frightening sense of urgency, that feeling that if you can't go, your bladder will explode and someone will eat it.





Link

15 comments:

BiPolar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BiPolar said...

don't fret about the deleted comment. It was a typo.

Hi Buddy, I thought your Oscar posting was 99.5% delightfully accurate.

The clapping swaying choir Opening number exiting up through the audience to "celebrate the nominees was lame".

I must say I adore Marco's mother, Bogva! Including her dent. She looks like a sex-machine making up for lost time. And she looks like she's lost a lot of time.

I was horrified to learn Helen Murren revealed today she wasn't wearing undies during the Awards as she waited for Oscar.

Makes one wonder where Oscar might be heading later.

Thank you for your amazing delights. x0x

LLJessR said...

Oh Buddy, don't apologize for your Academy Awards write-up!!

I thought it was perfect...

Especially Jack's teeth...

I mean, for christ's sake, he *IS* a millionare, isn't he?! Ew...

As for the boy with the Brampton tattoo, I hope he has the Tandori Oven in there... It's all I want when I go to Canada.

In the meantime, I'm coming to your house the next time I'm in town... It sounds much more exhilarating than sitting in a basement apartment in Etobicoke, watching my boyfriend play the Nintendo Wii. It'll be just like I never left San Francisco...

=]

Tad. said...

It's Thursday, Buddy. You should treat yourself to a nice creamy cup of hot chocolate. Have an excellent day. I mean it.

psycoticpenguin said...

Oh dear, Buddy. Once you start apologizing for your past comments, where will you be? Tearing the pants off of anything (or anybody) is never any fun if you have to retract.

You said what you said and we're happy you said it. Though, a good dog in a handbag story is always nice to hear first thing in the... oh... it's afternoon now, isn't it?

buddy cole said...

You're all right. Never apologize and never explain. That's what I get for writing sober. Don't take this as an apology just take this as a second draft. Buddy Cole.

Tad. said...

Second draft, it is. Good to see your confidence return. Have a great day, Buddy. I mean it.

Lana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lana said...

Believe me, I had no intention of apologizing for what I said about Randy Newman.

On a side note...

Everyone in here needs to go see 'Zodiac'! It's an amazing film. One of the best I've seen in quite some time.

Lana said...

I meant THE BEST film I've seen in quite some time.

See, this is why I need to stop commenting while I'm drunk.

Mike said...

Is it just me, or does this make you think of Buddy and his alter ego?

http://content.hamptonroads.com/story.cfm?story=120544&ran=195809

Lana said...

I'm probably the last one in here to hear about this (because I am old and out of touch) but I just found out there is a hip hop group named 'Kidz In The Hall'. Desugate was bad enough but this time Francesca Fiori's gone too far!

Sailorboy said...

Can I just say, I for one would love to hear Francesca Fiori do hip-hop. Any chance Buddy?

Oh, and also, your songs are f***ing brilliant, I've been putting on Philadelphia Slave Girl on when I'm around at everyone's house. The strange looks fill me with such glee. Althought I think the strange looks are for my dancing...

And finally, I bought a used copy of Buddy Babylon from amazon and there was the word "fag" scrawled through it, but only about four times, which was kind of "oh, you're about 14 and dream about homoerotic moshing at Slipknot concerts" but the weirdest thing was that it wasn't on the pages that were explicitly gay (whatever that means) but on paragraphs talking about trees or feet or something random.

I have since lent the book to a 6ft tall gay butch Canadian so everything is now right with the world!

Ciao!

P.S haven't managed to work my way through all your diary entries yet but one question is bugging me, are you still with the fireman from the last episode of that documentary Kids in the Hall?

buddy cole said...

Sadly sailorboy, I am no longer with the fireman. He perished in a fire in Buffalo N.Y. I am single now so if you know of any available firemen, despots, I.T. nerds, cloud jumpers or pearl divers looking for a fabulously preserved middle aged blonde of unique beauty and wit please leave their stats on the comments page.

lory said...

interesting song, buddy. did you sing that one? do you sing all of them? and do you play an instrument?