Sunday, April 15, 2007

Questions and Queries

In response to the flurry of interest about me possibly starting an advice column, I have no choice but to honour your desires before the flurry becomes a blizzard. From hereon in let this post be known as the Questions and Queries box. Leave your questions in the 'Comments' section and I will check it periodically and choose which questions to deal with and then post the answers later. They can be on any topic from whether to circumcise your dog to what’s the best time to plant Belgian Congo quince or even heavier topics such as “Does making love to a centaur qualify as bestiality?”

For the record, “No.” A centaur is a man where it matters and a horse where it counts. That’s not perverse. That’s just common sense. In ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,’ the hottest man was the Centaur, Oreius, and the sexiest youth was the faun, Tumnus. Does this mean that I would have sex with a horse or a goat? No. Secretariat is dead. No, seriously. A goat can’t give consent and it’s questionable that a horse can. However a centaur obviously can, at least most of them can. It would be wrong to take advantage of a mentally challenged centaur or a nubile foal but a man like Oreius is a General for heaven’s sake. He knows what he’s doing.

So go ahead and fantasize my questioning friend. If you want to deepen your understanding let me recommend three books by the great writer John Varley called, respectively, ‘Titan’, ‘Wizard’ and ‘Demon’. Inside, you’ll find Human-Centaur love is explored at great length.

Which brings us back to the first question. “ Should I circumcise my dog?” Not unless he asks for it. You wouldn’t circumcise a baby would you? And finally, the best time to plant Belgian Congo quince is never. There’s no such a fruit. There! See how this thing works. It’s easy. Everybody has a question.

Link

37 comments:

Allison said...

I'm so glad you've decided to follow through with PychoticPenguin's suggestion of starting an advice column! Now I have to think of questions to ask... *brainstorms*

Your disclaimer about centaurs reminds me of the time I stumbled upon centaur porn on the internet. (Of the written variety. And no, I didn't search for it; someone at Fark.com linked to it in the comments section of a news article. I swear!) It was truly disturbing. Three-ways involving centaurs with three penises each...I don't even know how people come up with this stuff. At least we know thanks to you that if a human had joined in, it would NOT be nonconsensual bestiality. ;)

Um, I can't imagine what you think of me after reading that, so...I'll just go now.

lory said...

hello again, mr. cole. thank you for making our requests. you are so sweet. i'm afraid of asking stupid questions, but, oh well lol. as you know by now, sir, i'm a huge fan of your friend, scott. please tell me more about these newer films called "split city" and that kk downey one or whatever that is called (forgive me, please. i can't remember what it's really called lol). i've been trying to find out more so i can see them, but i can't find out anything. when will they or atleast one of them be in theaters? i can't wait to see mr. scott thompson in another movie! he's the greatest!!! please tell him i said hi. hehe. muah

Sanford said...

Question:

How many facial piercings is too many to wear to a Church wedding?

Beautifully Chaotic said...

Yay! I'm really excited about your advice column! Sadly, I cannot think of a question right now, but when I do think of one I'll be back! ;o)

Beautifully Chaotic said...

Hehe I have a question now!

What goes well with leopard print?

PsycoticPenguin said...

*hugs Buddy* Oh, Buddy. You have made my millenium by agreeing to this advice column. I promise I will gloat to everyone I know about it.

Dear Buddy,

My parents are delightful people, very sweet, but not that funny. Oh, they try to be, but trying doesn't get a laugh. Do you think funny is in your blood or can be learned? I'm frightened for my future, Buddy. I really am. What should I do?

If I may, I'd like to ask another question. I have been hearing for months now that a certain sketch comedy troupe will be touring sometime soon. A certain sketch comedy troupe that you tend to do performances with. Do you plan on working with them during this tour? When will that tour be?

All the best,
Shaina.

PS. Though they may not seem like advice questions, trust me, they are.

T.G. said...

Dear Mr. Cole,

I am a long-time reader, first time blog-commenter. You seem to be a man of refined tastes and Solomon-like wisdom, perhaps you can satisfy my curiosity.

You see, I have a question, a burning question which creates a hollow place inside me. A hollow place which may never be filled unless this question is answered!

Mr. Cole, please! Answer my question so that I may finally know peace and go to my bed with a satisfied smile upon my face!

Eternally wondering,
T.G.

P.S. Dear Brighid is on a quest to answer everyone's questions on centaur love.

P.P.S. How remiss of me to forget to ask this very important question! The question which I ask, the answer of which would warm my heart is this: when are you going to form your own religion? Or have you already and you just need a proper publicist?

lory said...

p.s. yeah, that mr. tumnas dude on "narnia" was hot! ; )

Laura said...

Buddy Cole! Good gracious I thought you'd slipped in the shower or OD'ed by now! (On something unique and glamorous, of course, like apple martini mixed with Red Bull and Flintstones vitamins...) Anyway it's just lovely that you're still alive and fabulous and doing this blogging thing. My question is, how have you managed to age so gracefully, to stay young, active, cutting-edge? Would you share your secrets?

Sean said...

Hi Buddy,
Me and my girlfriend will be driving cross country from Los Angeles to our new home (apartment) in Brooklyn. It will be my first time doing something like this. We plan on stopping at Zion National Park in Utah, then on to Colorado Springs and Denver, then to lovely Des Moines, then Chicago, and then up and around to Niagara Falls. From Niagara Falls we go to Utica, where her parents reside.
So my question is this: I'm a big fan of Superman II so I've always wanted to go to Niagara Falls and throw myself in there just to see if that Superman really exists or not. But that's beside the point. My question to you is this: I have heard from many people who have gone there that the Canadian side is far superior to the American side. Is that true and would you go out with Crispin Glover if he was game?
Truly Yours,
Sean Aguirre
Glendale, CA

BiPolar said...

Dearest Butterick:

Your timing for this posting is impeccable. "Centaur Love" is something I've had to deal with my entire life.

I've been obsessed with "Newt" from "Hercules" since early childhood. I'm now 87yrs (but look much younger).

Just last week I told my landlady I was getting a new roommate who looks like Newt.

Sadly, she didn't know Newt so I told her my new roommate is half man and half horse. Oh, she said with nervous smile.

I've prepared Newt a bed of straw in the bathtub to sleep when I'm not using him for something.

I have too many scars and bruises from the hooves of other Centaurs I've dated. I now prefer to sleep alone.

He can pick up his own poo in the mornings and flush it down the toilet. I can't think of a better partner in life. Is this a primal thing for me?

I also find Herc's powerful belt buckle a real turn-on. What's that about?

You're my last hope for counsel. Drugs have not helped.

Lana said...

This is going to be a fun blog! Right now I'm too tired to think of a good question but I'm sure I'll come up with something eventually.

I'm a Sagittarius so I'd better check out this centaur porn business. There may be some work for me there.

LLJessR said...

i have a question. i sold my nintendo ds to see scott thompson tomorrow. then my friend bought me brunch... then realized the place was cash only and took my money to pay for it. do i kill her?

lory said...

i have another quick question! where, oh, where can buddy be???? we miss you!!!!!!! come back!!! ; )
p.s. if you got kidnapped AGAIN i'll come to your rescue ; ) little lory here to save the day hehe

Lana said...

Okay, here is a question...

Buddy, do you think there's any chance you will ever sleep with a woman again? And if the answer is yes...call me!

(Insert drum roll here)

Alright, alright...I'll think of a serious question to ask when I sober up.

lory said...

i'm getting withdrawls, buddy. can i call you buddy? i miss cute little fagette. when will we hear about her again? she's lucky to have you as her uncle. you would be a great father for a little girl ; ) miss you lots. muah.

lory said...

i know, i know. i'm a freakin little pest lol but i was wondering if manny coon can come visit? i mean, if danny can, why not manny, too? i love his dirty talk ; ) please forgive me, buddy cole, for being such a freakin pest.

PsycoticPenguin said...

Dear Buddy,

If a guy gives you a colorful (or, in your case, colourful) rubber ball with his name on it, does that mean he likes you?

Love,
Shaina.

buddy cole said...

Good question.

Timchi said...

Anything a man gives you that doesn't have to be classified by using a microscope, says to me that, yes, he likes you.

lory said...

i'm full of questions, buddy. forgive me, please. i want to buy bruce's music, but my hubby doesn't like it. if i buy it, my hubby will be upset and give me a hard time every time i play it, but if i don't buy it i'll miss out on hearing bruce's lovely voice. so, what would you do?

Lorin said...

Dearest Buddy,

I am a 20-something career girl hoping to one day become president of the United States. How should I proceed?

Fondest Regards,

Lorin

Karen Ann said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lana said...

24 days later and I still can't think of a question.

PsycoticPenguin said...

Lory, trust me, it's worth it to get Brucio's CDs. They are delightful and the ideas in them are so varied that even if you get tired of one track, you'll find one you've overlooked before to love.

Dear Buddy,

I have a friend (and I'm actually honest that it's a friend) who is a great girl. She can get any guy she wants and isn't a bitch. But, there is one guy that she keeps breaking up with (not sure how mutual it is). He's a very sweet guy and I swear those two belong together, but I'm not sure of the specifics of their relationships. They're broken up... for the moment. And, as far as I know, they've never been bad break-ups.

I'm not sure what I should do about this, if anything at all. Should I just leave her to her own life or ask her about this? What would I say?

lory said...

you're right, psycoticpenguin. bruce is that good. BUT it does suck when i'm at church and i have "lift me up, don't fuck me over. lift me up, don't hurt me sweetie" stuck in my head lol there are only 3 songs i know by bruce and they are all good so i'm sure all his other songs are good too. hmmm, i wonder if scott has some songs for his fans to buy?

lory said...

mr. buddy cole, i think it's about time to answer atleast SOME questions, don't you think? i know you have a lot of fans and little time, but please, sir, i'm dying to hear your intellect ; ) xoxoxo
p.s. please tell mr. thompson, mr. husk, and mr. coon i said hello ; ) (and all your other friends too lol)

BiPolar said...

Hey Buddy, How do you feel about pressure? Does it matter to you if it's inside or outside?

lory said...

i can't believe it will be scott thompson's and mark mckinney's birthdays next month. buddy, since you know scott SO WELL, what will scott be doing on his birthday? get drunk and watch porn? hahaha. that's what i did on my 29th birthday back in november lol! i'm just kidding ya. anyway, take care and we all hope to hear from you soon. muah!
p.s. i'm a tad bit french due to a spicy affair in my family many generations ago...interesting! and i speak no english! this isn't english! hahaha!
p.s.s. here are your shoes that dave didn't give to you that rainy day ; )
(handing over shoes...) hehe...oh, and sorry for writing all the time. i just love ya so much!(not like that, i'm married lol) hugs!

lory said...

yes, it's me AGAIN. but this time i have a very good question that i bet a lot of people would love to know. what in the hell is scott thompson's middle name? i mean, come on! i know that mark is mark douglas brown mckinney, and bruce is bruce ian mcculloch, and dave is david SCOTT foley (i adore his middle name hehe), and kevin is kevin hamilton mcdonald...so what the hell is mr. scott thompson's middle name???? i'm dyin to know! pleaseeeee tell me! ; )

PsycoticPenguin said...

Dear Buddy,

How do you feel about comedy these days? There is some sketch out there, but I find it rather weak. The talk shows are repetative (except for Craig Ferguson who improvises and has lovely guests like Dave Foley or Thomas Lennon of sketch backgrounds). The Daily Show is still fun, but The Colbert Report is really getting up there in the insane comedy. The Daily Show is starting to look like real news in comparison. And then there are sitcoms...

Is comedy on a downhill? Is it rising with shows like The Office and (though I despise it, others seem to enjoy it) 30 Rock?

Or, is it possible, that I am taking my comedy WAY too seriously?

Hugs and Kisses,
Shaina.

Sonia said...

Dear Mr. Cole,

I have a couple questions.

Is it ok/cool to wear a fan T-Shirt for a certain band to a concert of that band or is it kind of tacky?

My friend e-mailed me some of her poetry and I think it is kind of terrible. I don't really want to lie and tell her that it is great, so what are things I could say that will not hurt her feelings?

lory said...

i was wondering...what is your fav color? fav song? fav movie? fav food? sorry i keep asking so many damn questions. i'm young and curious lol

Anonymous said...

I saw a photo of Scott with a tattoo. Was that a REAL tattoo on his arm? How many tattoos does that man have?

Anonymous said...

Lory, you ask too many questions.

lory said...

i came here to ask another question but now i forgot it. hey, anomonyous (or however you spell that word lol), i'm sorry i ask so many questions. i'll try not to ask so many for now on. i'm sure buddy and everyone else would appreciate that : (

Sillibub said...

Hello. I'm new here, but not because I'm a new fan of yours, but because I just found this place.

I am sure I have lots of questions to ask, but I have to think about them first so they don't come out stupidly. My questions always seem to come out stupidly. Alas.

I did have one thing I wanted to tell you, though. It's about Halloween, which is tomorrow. I live near Washington D.C. and they have a new law where convicted sex offenders have to have a sign that says "No candy" on their doors on Halloween. "No candy, but take a look at this!" Isn't that crazy? It prompted my dad to sing "I'm A Sex Offender" while carving our pumpkin. It's always good to be in the spirit.

I hope you have a fun Halloween. I bet you'll have an exciting costume. I hope you take pictures!

Love,
Sara