Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Fran's Miracle Cancer Prevention

Guess who dropped by for a cup of instant coffee? Sorry. You took too long. It's Fran Wilson and she has a rather interesting story about a visit to her doctor. I'm just going to let the humble homemaker tell it like it is. By the way I'm collating all the 'questions and queries' and will soon have some answers for you. Hang on ewesies while I go through this transtion time. No, not transitioning. I'm not changing sex. 'm moving. Once is enough.


The other day my doctor, asked me if I wanted to try out this new "preventative" cancer technique he'd learned in England. I was all for it as long as there were no machines involved. I don't like machines. Pain, I'm fine with. It's character building but machines make you soft. That's why I got rid of the robot vacuum.
The doctor assured me that the procedure was completely manual, that it consisted of simple digital,which is Latin for finger,manipulation of the pelvic region. He explained that the movement of a doctor's digits against the womanly wall stimulated blood flow to the area which in turn triggered a mysterious process which completely eliminated tumors before they even had a chance to take root. It was all too complicated for me, so I just kept my lip buttoned and assumed the position.
At first I didn't feel much at all, but then I started to have some localized discomfort, you know, down there, so I asked him what that was all about. He explained to me in his best bedside manner that since the pelvic wall expands one digit for each child and since I'd had five, it was necessary to use his whole hand. That made sense, although why he was in up to his elbow, I still don't know. I didn't ask because I don't understand the science.
Then I went somewhere I've never been before and then I went somewhere else. And then it was over. And I must say, I did feel like I was a better person. Now this is the best part. Free. God bless Canadian health care. You don't get that in the States. When I told my sister Barbara in Buffalo about the whole thing, she said it sounded suspicious. She's just jealous because she knows her HMO wouldn't cover it. He scheduled another treatment for me next week, this time to prevent prostate cancer which apparently runs rampant with older women.



PsycoticPenguin said...

Well, Fran, though I appreciate Cancer prevention, especially in one such as yourself, I can't help but feel some sort of agreement with your sister. This all seems rather odd and I would rather nothing bad happen to you. Indeed, I believe that you will never age and thus, never die. Please, do not plan to die. I knew you hadn't.

Well, if it works for you, by all means go back. Just do regular vaginal checks, and I'm sure you'll live forever.

Buddy, why didn't you say anything to her?

Sonia said...

Fran dear, it's wonderfull to hear from you, but I'm a little worried about this doctor. Perhaps you should do some additional reaserch before your next appointment just to make sure all his practices are on the level.

lory said...

fran, hon, your doctor is a perv. ask buddy or scott or even danny or manny to go kick his balls in. but then again, some old chicks dig that kind of shit. if you feel like a different woman, maybe that is a good thing? it's up to you to decide on that. i'll send you hugs from woman to woman to help comfort you in your time of need. you know, it's girlpower stuff...lmfao! hugs!
p.s. please tell mr. cole, mr. thompson, and mr. husk lory said hi and muah, and let scott, i mean, mr. thompson (that man deserves the utmost respect)that his ewesies (me, anyway lol) understand his transistion and not to worry. his friends and fans will always love him, no matter how long it takes for him to get back to us. we "feel the love" and appreciate his precious time he does give us ; )

BiPolar said...

Oh, Fran. How wonderful it is to see you.

I can see why Gordon married you. You're stunning! I especially like your triple layered flannel outfit.

Fran, honey, you've struck gold if you got all that from your Doctor for FREE! He's such a smooth talker. That's always important.

I'm sure Buddy will attest some people pay plenty of money for that type of treatment.

Tell "Gordon" you have a headache if he wants sex with you in the next month or so while you heal.

Take two advil an hour before your next visit and you should be fine.

LLJessR said...

psssht.... some ladies have all the luck.

lory said...

oh yeah! i wouldn't tell gordon what the doc did. all that cute bastard thinks about is that salty ham you made and every single mistake you've made (in his eyes, anyway). gordon (which happens to be my father's name lol) needs to treat you better, fran. if he were my husband, i'd slap him for talking like that to me. first it's gordon, now the doctor! you poor woman! hugs!
p.s. sorry for calling you "old" in my earlier post, fran. how rude of me! (putting more salt in my eyes...) hehe

lory said...

fran, can i date your adorable blond son? hehe

Anonymous said...

My mother heard about this, and now she’s bugging me to drive her up to Winnipeg for the procedure. That’s a long drive from Wichita. Can’t she just perform this exam on herself at home, like that breast thingy?

Lana said...

Fran and Gordon have five kids now???!!! Is this suppose to be like 'The Cosby Show' where every season (in order to boost ratings) they would introduce a cute child that didn't exist before?

And what's up with the moving? Hasn't it been going on since January? Did you hire Sedated Snail Express to transport your furniture?

buddy cole said...

This response comes courtesy of Sedated Snail Express Comments inc. Stay tuned ewesies.