The other day my doctor, asked me if I wanted to try out this new "preventative" cancer technique he'd learned in England. I was all for it as long as there were no machines involved. I don't like machines. Pain, I'm fine with. It's character building but machines make you soft. That's why I got rid of the robot vacuum.
The doctor assured me that the procedure was completely manual, that it consisted of simple digital,which is Latin for finger,manipulation of the pelvic region. He explained that the movement of a doctor's digits against the womanly wall stimulated blood flow to the area which in turn triggered a mysterious process which completely eliminated tumors before they even had a chance to take root. It was all too complicated for me, so I just kept my lip buttoned and assumed the position.
At first I didn't feel much at all, but then I started to have some localized discomfort, you know, down there, so I asked him what that was all about. He explained to me in his best bedside manner that since the pelvic wall expands one digit for each child and since I'd had five, it was necessary to use his whole hand. That made sense, although why he was in up to his elbow, I still don't know. I didn't ask because I don't understand the science.
Then I went somewhere I've never been before and then I went somewhere else. And then it was over. And I must say, I did feel like I was a better person. Now this is the best part. Free. God bless Canadian health care. You don't get that in the States. When I told my sister Barbara in Buffalo about the whole thing, she said it sounded suspicious. She's just jealous because she knows her HMO wouldn't cover it. He scheduled another treatment for me next week, this time to prevent prostate cancer which apparently runs rampant with older women.