Incommunicado

Since I'm going to be travelling today in very trying circumstances and away from any form of cyber link I thought I would re-post my review of Pan's Labyrinth in honour of the upcoming 'Oscars'. It's like a re-run but with the spelling mistakes fixed. I wrote it at the beginning of this adventure when I didn't really think this whole blogging thing actually worked and that no one was actually there. It was like pleasuring yourself in front of an open window for two months and then one day realizing that overnight an apartment building has sprung up right in front of you. Now you don't have to close the curtains but you do have to spell them correctly.

For those four of ewe who have already read the review just press the 'NEW' clip to hear a snippet from my favourite radio show. "Pecket Banks and the Morning Zoo"

Gabcast! ewe #22 - Pecker Banks: Stupidest Bitch of the Morning.

Pecker, Santos, Linda and the gang deconstruct sex with a brother, anal, and pig noises on the Morning Zoo.







A Review of Pan's Labyrinth

I just got back from a screening of 'Pan's Labyrnth by Guillermo del Toro. The movie is sort of like a fantasy for people who hate fantasy. They can't just accept it on it's own terms like Harry Potter. It has to have a Civil War with sectarian violence in it. A flying car is never enough for those people. The movie is stunning but oddly enough, for all the deaths, not particularly moving.

But forget about the movie for a second. The best part was I saw Scott Thompson there. He looked exhausted. His hair looked crispy. Obviously going through some sort of career crisis. He was with two other guys. They all looked drugged. The girl in front of them who was obviously a big fan complimented Scott at one point. She said he had a good energy and that his aura was swirly. He said 'Swirl This!' How rude and not even original. Shelly Hack said it in 'Cathy Diamond:Lawyer at Large.' I took his picture with my cellphone and he got all lemony snickety. He actually put his hand up like he's David Hasselhof or something. I thought I could sell it to Defamer. Com or TMZ but neither of them were interested.

HIs friends were far more compelling. One of them, I think he was a Brazilian because he hated the movie,he kept sighing all through the film, you know how they're never impressed by anything, anyways, right when the little girl is being chased by the ghoul with eyes in his hands the Brazillian starts blowing the one who's not Scott. It was lucky I was there to document it. The picture quality is bad but it was pitch black in that theatre. I had to use my superflash which almost got me kicked out. As for the film itself, it was a little bloody for my tastes.

The movie is about a little spanish girl who loses her father in the Spanish Civil War. THen her mother gets pregnant with a general type high up in Franco's regime and they move to the country where he is fighting rebels. She imagines an alternate world where a hideous faun tells her that she is a princess of the underworld and not human and that in order for her to regain her crown she has to do all these horrible tasks whee she meets grotesque CGI characters. At one point she's told a hundred times by the giant faun not to eat any food during one task and the first thing she does is eat some grapes. Then the creature wakes up and eats two fairies. This is where I thought the violence became gratuitous. Just because you can show fairies being eaten by demons, doesn't mean you should. This alternate world is how the little girl copes. I get it. I have an imaginary friend who's always ordering me to do horrible things too. If it was up to me I would be magnanimous 24/7 but he has other plans. He's more of an enabler by now really but I'm addicted.

So back to the movie. Tthe stepfather who's gorgeous of course becuase he's evil iis fond of shaving, sewing up his own wounds and shooting people at close range. Actually everybody loves that. If people weren't being shot in the head, they were being stabbed through the cheek or menstruating, I mean going into labour which I suppose is a form of menstruation. Call it extreme menstruation. "Spoiler Alert!" It ends with the little girl getting shot by her stepfather and you don't really mind. I mean the faun told her a hundred times not to eat anything. And grapes? Who risks everything for two grapes? It's not like they were olives. Then again who shoots a little girl?

Sidebar: Mexico must be awfully grim. My friend Graziella Fortunato who teaches English Literature online says Shakespeare never even killed a child. She says that no children die in Shakespeare. Sure some of them were pretty young like Romeo and Juliet but they weren't virgins which is key I think.

The ending is both sad and happy. The little girl dies but she gets to be a princess in hell. Sounds like my last relationship . Bonsoir. Buddy.

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Peace in Our Time

On Friday night this blog was viciously attacked by a shadowy terrorist group known only as ‘Anonymous’. When the idiot barrage first began my first thought was that it was cabaret hag and B-movie star Francesca Fiori and her compatriot, international skin care super-mogul Mister Dr. Robert Young. After all it was only a week ago that this deadly duo had destroyed my new state of the art jungle lair/production facilities. Why wouldn’t they be behind this newest outrage?

But then that night I received a pigeon gram from Miss Fiori herself disavowing any connection to the cyber attack, saying that she would never stoop to such levels, that in fact her hairdresser was a gay man who had lost his right testicle to an angry macaw and her makeup artist was another gay man who had lost his left testicle to, oddly enough, a friendly macaw. It’s hard to tell the difference with a macaw. Then the pigeon said, quote, “So as you can see, I am most aware of this bizarre situation in all direction.” There you have it. A peace offer.

So I took it. I believed her. Why? I don’t know. Call it a hunch. Maybe I’m just tired of war. Maybe it was just because the pigeon had such an honest face. Who knows? So I sent the dirty dove back saying I believed her and wanted peace but with the proviso that Dr. Robert Young must not be involved in this act of terrorism. The bird returned a few hours later saying that she had cut off all association with Dr. Young and that she was a free agent once again and, quote, “Peace, yes or no? Aiiee! I can’t be all day wait for you.”

I had to believe her. This blog needs to be at Peace. There’s too many of you now to play around with war. So this evening as I lay in my hammock in a country I can’t name for security reasons but which rhymes with Bill Gates and I thought about how I was one day from home and how much nicer it would be to arrive home to a blog at peace and as I pulled my guide Ortiz closer to me I thought this is a very long sentence and that I should think about ending it fairly soon and then I thought, no, there’s more life in this sentence and I intend to find out exactly how much more and boy, it's hard to make love in a hammock. So I decided to check the blog to see what people were saying and that’s when I discovered the love bombing campaign that was going on below the posts. I was overcome with emotion and I started to tear up until I noticed a monkey watching me with contempt and I stopped. Then Ortiz slid in behind me and put his arms around my waist comfortingly and I reached down and patted him on the head. He’s a small man but a good one. I decided then and there to accept Francesca’s offer of peace. I looked back at Ortiz sleeping peacefully in the hammock and I thought, “Who the hell’s head did I just pat?” The monkey in the tree began to laugh mockingly.

So there you have it. Peace in our time. How long it will last, only Oprah knows. All we can do now is enjoy this moment or as the great gay poet Lord Compture de Cockhead writes, “Enjoy your Aids.” So true. So in honour of this historical moment I’ve written a little ditty inspired by the immortal words of Lord Cockhead. It’s called ‘Aids Faggot’. It’s message is universal and that’s why I think it will make a wonderful pop song one day.

Aids Faggot

There once was a faggot called Desu
who loved all things Desilu
He wrote a song about Julie
and not about Lucy
And now there’s a hullabaloo.

Enjoy your aids bitch
Enjoy your aids bitch!
Enjoy your aids bitch!
And your syphilis too.

He has a friend called Tom Green
Who thinks the Taliban are keen
And does barrel rolls with stoners on the net
Though he may have one ball
It’s big enough for all
He’s a faggot loving motherfucker with a pet

Enjoy your aids bitch
Enjoy your aids bitch!
Enjoy your aids bitch!
And your syphilis too.

I hope you like the poem. If it’s not to your taste then why not try listening to this song that my old band ‘Mouth Congress’ recorded back in the early nineties during a party at vocalist/producer extraordinaire Sal Surroundo’s beachfront condo. It’s called, “The New Sobriety” and is a discussion of Nancy Reagan’s ‘Just Say No ’ Campaign which was about exactly when and where Ronnie could touch her. Butch Jenkins, probably the sluttiest person I’ve ever known was staying at the place that weekend and after indulging in a little of everything and everyone, he asked if he could sit in on a session. We said sure, not having any idea what was to come. What happened next was completely improvised and never repeated and nobody else at the party even knew that we were recording. This is the first time anyone but the participants involved have ever heard this rare recording. Enjoy your aids.

Gabcast! ewe #21 - The New Sobriety

Butch Jenkins sits in with Mouth Congress and unleashes his Id on the world while Buddy Cole and the gang including Sal Surroundo and Barley Jones go with the raunchy flow.




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Julie Newmar and Dyke Daughters at the SAAD Awards

Mouth Congress, with the help of guest vocalist Ulie Jewmar takes on the illustrious rise and fall of Julie Newmar. No, strike that, there was no fall. How about the rise and rise of that late Sixties early Seventies star Julie Newmar? That's better. After listening to this eighties cult band rip the lid off of aging actresses there will never be a question again of who was the best Catwoman. In this picture Julie stands wtith her two lesbian daughters at the SAAD awards (Society Against Aging Dykes). It's amazing. They look older than her. Whether that is a testament to good plastic surgery or an indictment of lesbian skin care or perhaps the SAAD awards themselves, it's hard to say. As for La Newmar, if that's what plastic surgery does, then sign me up. Looking human is so last year. I'm so inspired, I'm going to attach some fishing hooks and filament to my cheekbones, then climb up the biggest tree I can find, loop the wire around a branch and jump out. I feel younger already.

Gabcast! ewe #20 - Julie Newmar






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Ulie warms Up

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Ulie's Five Finger Turnout

Crazy Drag Queen Style!
Originally uploaded by apartmenttherapy_la.

Ulie is coming.
Jewmar is closing
Five finger turnout
All that's left is the hosing

Ulie Jewmar is Coming

let me see that thong!
Originally uploaded by TrekkerPanda.

Blood Diamond

Diamond Age
Originally uploaded by jurvetson.

Dear ewesies, I apologize for such a long time away from you. I know it's only been a few days but for me it feels like an eternity. I can't imagine what it must feel like for ewe. So in honour of this feeling I'm posting a picture of my favourite jewel, an eternity diamond. She was given to me by the wonderful actor Djimon Hounsou after his time in Africa filming that important film 'Blood Diamond'. Let's just say I helped him with his accent in one of my popular shirtless acting workshops. In the picture you can see him clutching his script as I give him a line reading. Some actors don't like that but Djimon insists on it. In fact his entire performance in the movie is a complete imitation of my performance. Now some acting coaches would be upset about this and launch one of those ugly lawsuits which are so common in our suit crazy age but that would only bring attention to me and cast doubt on Djimon's Oscar nominated performance. I'm happy for Djimon and I'm certain that come Oscar night when Djimon strides up to that hallowed stage and accepts his well deserved Oscar, my name will be the first words out of his mouth. I can't wait. I just hope he doesn't out me like Tom Hanks did for his wretched performance in that television movie 'Philadelphia'. Please! The only other worse nominated performance was for Leonardo DiCaprio as that boyish lesbian who is raped by Kate Winslett in 'Titanic'. I'm just glad he wasn't nominated for anything this year. What's that Marco? You're kidding me? My best friend Marco who just dropped in for a cup of poppers just informed me that apparently Leonardo DiCaprio was also nominated for his performance in 'Blood Diamond.' I didn't even know he was in the movie. That's like that time some of us were discussing that Diane Keaton vehicle "The Godfather' and some straight man who was listening in told us that Al Pacino was actually the star. I still don't believe it. All I saw was Diane Keaton, Talia Shire and Morgana KIng. Some people will say anything just to talk to me.

Jewel is not just beautiful but she also sings. She's only recorded one song but it's a keeper. In light of the continuing carnage in Africa caused by man's lust for blood diamonds, I'm hoping that this proof of the intelligence of the most elegant form of carbon wil help stop the illicit trade in these beautiful stones.


Gabcast! ewe #19 - Jewel

A stirring song about hope and beauty by the most beautiful and intelligent jewel in the world.