Monday, February 5, 2007

Incommunicado

Since I'm going to be travelling today in very trying circumstances and away from any form of cyber link I thought I would re-post my review of Pan's Labyrinth in honour of the upcoming 'Oscars'. It's like a re-run but with the spelling mistakes fixed. I wrote it at the beginning of this adventure when I didn't really think this whole blogging thing actually worked and that no one was actually there. It was like pleasuring yourself in front of an open window for two months and then one day realizing that overnight an apartment building has sprung up right in front of you. Now you don't have to close the curtains but you do have to spell them correctly.

For those four of ewe who have already read the review just press the 'NEW' clip to hear a snippet from my favourite radio show. "Pecket Banks and the Morning Zoo"

Gabcast! ewe #22 - Pecker Banks: Stupidest Bitch of the Morning.

Pecker, Santos, Linda and the gang deconstruct sex with a brother, anal, and pig noises on the Morning Zoo.







A Review of Pan's Labyrinth

I just got back from a screening of 'Pan's Labyrnth by Guillermo del Toro. The movie is sort of like a fantasy for people who hate fantasy. They can't just accept it on it's own terms like Harry Potter. It has to have a Civil War with sectarian violence in it. A flying car is never enough for those people. The movie is stunning but oddly enough, for all the deaths, not particularly moving.

But forget about the movie for a second. The best part was I saw Scott Thompson there. He looked exhausted. His hair looked crispy. Obviously going through some sort of career crisis. He was with two other guys. They all looked drugged. The girl in front of them who was obviously a big fan complimented Scott at one point. She said he had a good energy and that his aura was swirly. He said 'Swirl This!' How rude and not even original. Shelly Hack said it in 'Cathy Diamond:Lawyer at Large.' I took his picture with my cellphone and he got all lemony snickety. He actually put his hand up like he's David Hasselhof or something. I thought I could sell it to Defamer. Com or TMZ but neither of them were interested.

HIs friends were far more compelling. One of them, I think he was a Brazilian because he hated the movie,he kept sighing all through the film, you know how they're never impressed by anything, anyways, right when the little girl is being chased by the ghoul with eyes in his hands the Brazillian starts blowing the one who's not Scott. It was lucky I was there to document it. The picture quality is bad but it was pitch black in that theatre. I had to use my superflash which almost got me kicked out. As for the film itself, it was a little bloody for my tastes.

The movie is about a little spanish girl who loses her father in the Spanish Civil War. THen her mother gets pregnant with a general type high up in Franco's regime and they move to the country where he is fighting rebels. She imagines an alternate world where a hideous faun tells her that she is a princess of the underworld and not human and that in order for her to regain her crown she has to do all these horrible tasks whee she meets grotesque CGI characters. At one point she's told a hundred times by the giant faun not to eat any food during one task and the first thing she does is eat some grapes. Then the creature wakes up and eats two fairies. This is where I thought the violence became gratuitous. Just because you can show fairies being eaten by demons, doesn't mean you should. This alternate world is how the little girl copes. I get it. I have an imaginary friend who's always ordering me to do horrible things too. If it was up to me I would be magnanimous 24/7 but he has other plans. He's more of an enabler by now really but I'm addicted.

So back to the movie. Tthe stepfather who's gorgeous of course becuase he's evil iis fond of shaving, sewing up his own wounds and shooting people at close range. Actually everybody loves that. If people weren't being shot in the head, they were being stabbed through the cheek or menstruating, I mean going into labour which I suppose is a form of menstruation. Call it extreme menstruation. "Spoiler Alert!" It ends with the little girl getting shot by her stepfather and you don't really mind. I mean the faun told her a hundred times not to eat anything. And grapes? Who risks everything for two grapes? It's not like they were olives. Then again who shoots a little girl?

Sidebar: Mexico must be awfully grim. My friend Graziella Fortunato who teaches English Literature online says Shakespeare never even killed a child. She says that no children die in Shakespeare. Sure some of them were pretty young like Romeo and Juliet but they weren't virgins which is key I think.

The ending is both sad and happy. The little girl dies but she gets to be a princess in hell. Sounds like my last relationship . Bonsoir. Buddy.

Link

18 comments:

Lana said...

I'm glad that you re-posted your review. It's even funnier now that I have seen the film!

Lana said...

P.S. I loved the Morning Zoo clip!

Sara said...

"...or menstruating, I mean going into labour which I suppose is a form of menstruation. Call it extreme menstruation."

Haha! I never thought of it that way, but I think you're right.

Anonymous said...

Scott,
are you a frakkin' Cylon agent?
ARE YOU ONE OF THE FINAL FIVE?
..Am I a Cylon?!

Allison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allison said...

"It was like pleasuring yourself in front of an open window for two months and then one day realizing that overnight an apartment building has sprung up right in front of you. Now you don't have to close the curtains but you do have to spell them correctly."

LOL! That may be the funniest analogy I've heard in a long time...and it brings up the best mental images.

I still have yet to see Pan's Labyrinth, but then, I hardly ever see any of the Best Picture nominees when the Oscars roll around. I think the only one I've seen is The Queen, but I've already read all that you and Queen Liz have to say about that. ;)

Have fun on your travels, wherever you'll be.

Tavie said...

This is STILL the best review of Pan's Labyrinth I've read.

The grape thing actually ruined the movie for me.

Anonymous said...

Buddy I'm really glad you reposted your review. I just saw Pan's Labrynth last night so the review seems even more brilliant now. Also it's pretty cool that you ran into Scott Thompson at the theater.

BiPolar said...

Pecker Banks: "Stupidest Bitch of the Morning"

That is the funniest radio show I've ever seen. Thanks for the visuals. Immediately I bonded with Santos the pig. Or was it Santos and the pig?

We don't see movies now that the only "drive-in" left in Greenland is me. That doesn't mean there are no Oscar worthy performances. There are!

My time spent in the sling at the Black Eagle Bar has really paid off in experience and versatility.

Theatre here in the Arctic is of the Military kind. Mr. Military (at least that's what his name badge says) asked if I could be a hammock for him and the other troops at the end of the day.

I said SURE but why wait for the end of the day? Something piggish came over me. It may have been Santos.

I rolled over onto my back and began to shimmy like sister Kate.

At one point my iPawd fell out of my ear but I didn't skip a pendulum sway. I just shoved it back in and shimmied some more.

Yay! Ewe is in double digits. I like double digits. Bear Hugs! :)

bob wiseman said...

be brave, wait for the signs
and don't get caught scott.

Shaina said...

Oh, bah. Can't we just say it all really happened and fuck the "it's all in her head" thing? And, obviously, the grapes thing was a spell. She had no choice.

I bet it was nice seeing Scott. I imagine there must be a relationship story in there, somewhere. And, just because it wasn't in Buddy Babylon doesn't mean we can't pretend it's not true.

buddy cole said...

Bob Wiseman, I've been waiting for your appearance. I think the beard and hat look is fetching. You're definitely a cold weather cub. It's just like they say, "You can take the boy out of Winnipeg but you can't take the peg out of WInnie", well not without a lot of butter and a crowbar.

Beautifully Chaotic said...

"...or menstruating, I mean going into labour which I suppose is a form of menstruation. Call it extreme menstruation."

HAHA! That was great! I really enjoyed reading your review of the movie. I agree that it was a little too bloody.

Nevertheless, it's a gem and I hope it win an Oscar or two.

minnesotawriter said...

You have a very natural and eloquent ability to storytell; it feels as if I were right next to you at the bar with a tiny umbrella planted into a strawberry daquiri.

Two kudos, sir!

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh!!! I remember that "Brazilian" giving theatre head in the Pan Lab movie theatre!!!! I was hiding behind a curtain FYI!!!! The guay I must say was an EXPERT on his "subject matter"!!!!! Oh Lordie....It just brings memories of Alanis M. songs.....

Anonymous said...

We need to hook up your niece "Faguette" with my italian niece "Mangina".....They would really get along sooo well......Where does one get these names!!!! But then, all thru college I was known as "Whoreste" so I really can't say too much about that subject.....Gosh!It's after noon!!!! I need my gin-tonic bucket.....

LLJessR said...

Scott Thompson, huh? I just basically confessed my love for him in my most recent blog....

Interesting....

lory said...

very funny radio show buddy ; ) thanks for sharing