Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Jesus Muhammed et Moi
I want to tell you about a dream I had the other night. I was in an ESL class and one of the students was Jesus. He wasn't actually learning English. He was just trying to get rid of his accent. I think it was for a part. I really don't know why I was there. I think I was just trying to meet foreign guys. Anyways Jesus was exactly the way I've always pictured him. A wiry balding black guy with a beard and a lisp. So he introduces me to this guy sitting next to him called Muhammed who's starting a new religion called Islam. So I ask him how that's going and he says that one day his religion will be bigger than Christianity. I look over at Jesus and he just rolls his eyes. Then Muhammed asks me if I'm married and I say "No. I guess I haven't found the right girl yet." Jesus rolls his eyes again. Then Muhammed leans in to me and says. "Don't worry my friend. She's out there somewhere." And Jesus goes. "Oh yes and the seafood at Red Lobster is flown in fresh every day." We both laugh and then the instructor tells us to be quiet and I wake up.
You're probably all wondering what did Muhammed look like in my dream? I mean that's the question of the day isn't it? Well. Let me see. He was fairly tall, about five eleven five twelve with black hair. Hmm. Oh, he had a beard. Um. Oh it's so hard without drawing a picture. Let me see. He had a muscular build but not like the kind you get from the gym. It looked more like the kind of body you get from yard work or battle. His eyes were brown I think. Good strong jawline. A bit of a unibrow. Nice lips like two petulant figs. A prominent nose. I don’t want to offend anyone but it was quite Jewish actually. I remember also he had big feet and hammertoes. I remember this because I actually commented on them in the dream because I also have hammer toes and I remember saying that it was hard for me to find proper shoes. And he said that it was the same with him and that's why he always wore sandals. And I said that's not because everyone else in the region does and he goes, "No that was my idea." Then Jesus sticks his feet out and goes "Perfect size sevens. Aren’t you jealous?" Then Muhammed rolls his eyes and then he asks Jesus why he’s wearing high heels and Jesus says "It's not what you think. My plantar fasciitis is killing me and they're the only thing that will give me relief."
I have no idea what it means. Maybe you can help me figure it out.