Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Fagette

This is my niece Fagette. She's going to be staying with me for a week. I don't know what I'm going to do with a ten year old girl. All I know about little girls is that they like to dress up in striped dresses and run around swanky hotels. She's staying with me because my sister Rita, her mother, is going to a Stargate SGI convention with her current boyfriend Didier or at least that's what she said. She just showed up this morning at my door with Fagette. First of all she's soaking wet. It's not raining. In fact it's minus twenty. Then she launches into this insane story about how she just won this contest where she gets to go to a Stargate CGI convention for a week in Phoenix and she can take a friend and when she says friend, she gestures incredibly dramatically behind her at this old car parked on the road and she says, "You remember Didier?" Of course I remember Didier. He was practically the first man my sister had been with who didn't have a record. He was memorable because he was actually a bit of a nerd. The problem with these nerd types is that their history is either clean as a whistle or they have thirty bodies buried in the basement. My sister's romantic record is checkered to say the least. She's been married four times and has had almost as many men as your average gay man which for a woman is disastrous. It's disastrous for us too but we just don't know it till it's too late whereas a woman knows it when she's doing it. This can make for very bad sex or very good sex if you know how to work it.

So back to Didier. The car window rolls down and he pokes his head out and in the thickest french accent yells out, " Allo Buddy! " i say "Allo Didier. Ca va?" but he's already thrust his head back inside and rolled up the window. Then he begins to gun the engine. So then Rita thrusts Fagette towards me and I take her hand which is wet. I struggle not to vomit. Then Rita says Take good care of Fagette. She loves you." At this point I need to say that I've met her exactly once and she was three. It was some drunken party my sister threw and Fagette made me drinks all night. As for my sister I've only seen her a half dozen times my whole life. I come from a family of twenty three children. I can't be expected to keep track of everyone. I can barely remember my parent's faces. When I close my eyes I just see Wilford Brimley and Betty Buckley. Then she turns back and says, " Remember. She's named after you." I go, " What? I thought it was an old family name. I thought she was named after mother's brother,Fagette." and she says, "That's just a coincidence. See you in a week " and then she runs down the steps even though there aren't any and gets into the car and they roar off. There is a long silence and then Fagette slips her hand which is now dry into mine which is now wet and I feel her recoil and I think. This might work.


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11 comments:

Lana said...

I damn near pissed myself when I read about your sister's sex life! I now consider this to be your funniest blog and I hope we get to read more stories about Fagette (that name is classic BTW).

I hope you're surviving the 20 below temperature! That kind of weather must give you a nutsicle.

Kim said...

Hey Buddy, 10-year-old girls aren't too hard to entertain, I'm sure you'll do fine. I bet you have a lot you can teach her. She'll probably learn more from you in a week than she's ever learned from that flake of a mother of hers.

Tad. said...

Wow, your sister is going to get to meet Teal'c. He likes to say "indeed." Isn't that the most annoying catchphrase ever?

Indeed.

Argh!

...What's up with the wet niece? It seems like a major style-cramper. Sure, she's got 7 years experience making alcoholic beverages and she's named after you (which could be a great icebreaker) but how are you supposed to have any zany adventures with a 10 year old asking for food every 5 hours?

I erge you to stuff Fagette in the nearest closet only letting her out to mix drinks for you. The zany must continue!

BiPolar said...

Buddy wrote: "All I know about little girls is that they like to dress up in striped dresses and run around swanky hotels".

So what's the problem? You've been doing the same for years!

Fagette is a beautiful looking little girl. I can see her resemblance to you.

Give her a 4-10 thousand piece jigsaw puzzle to assemble. If you don't have a jigsaw puzzle, cut up a bunch of old photographs into small pieces (anything will do) and have her join them seamlessly back together.

Safety always comes first. Put an electronic monitoring device on her ankle.

Allison said...

All I know about little girls is that they like to dress up in striped dresses and run around swanky hotels.

Did I just spot an Eloise reference?

Allison said...

Oh, and I must add that your niece bears a striking resemblance to the famous Mexican bisexual painter, Frida Kahlo. Don't blow her off yet...she may be destined for great things!

buddy cole said...

Oui. C'est vrai ma petite. J'adore Eloise.

Beautifully Chaotic said...

Hehehe your post takes me back to when my parents would jet off and I had to babysit my younger siblings while they were gone. Fun times I tell ya, esp. when I'm the oldest of 6.:oP

"I don't know what I'm going to do with a ten year old girl."

Take her out for ice cream. She'll love you for it.;o)

Shaina said...

I wonder how she could possibly be wet with such low temperature. That girl must be special. She didn't freeze to death already!

I'm sure you'll do great with the kid. Remember when you were 10? Well, actually, you may not want her to go through exactly the same experiences you did. But, as long as she lasts the week, you win.

Joey Quayle said...

yeah... your sister's sex life.. wow.. buddy... cole... You should teach her the ways... The ways of the gay jedi.. lol.. j/k pal

Anonymous said...

10 year old girls = lots of trouble... just stick em in front of the tube. hahaha, yeah!