Monday, February 5, 2007

Uday and Mike

Well I'm home and am I ever glad. When I left two weeks and change ago to open my state of the art production facilities deep in the heart of the jungle in a country I can't name for security reasons there had been no winter. I arrived back to the coldest day of the year. Minus twenty and bitchy. My apartment was stunning as usual but an icebox. The first person to greet me was my black cat Uday. He had been boarding at record producer/music impresario Sal Surroundo's downton condo and even though he was treated like a king there as evidenced by his new Uncle Sal tummy he had no access to the outside and thus no way to kill. This is hell to a cat especially one named after Saddam Hussein's psychotic son. He was wearing his favourite t-shirt from CNUT and he looked amazing. I'm not one for dressing up animals but when they put it on themselves, well then that's a different story. After a session of man/cat wrestling cum lovemaking which left both of us sweaty and confused I left him passed out on the floor and tiptoed quietly out the door.

Then I headed on over to the bar , the bar I used to own but now just frequent. My favourite waiter in the world Mike Killdeer was there. He worked for me before when I owned the place. I'm gone but he's still there. There's no hard feelings. I had other priorities which we'll get to eventually. Mike has been a waiter everywhere in this town and done everyone too. Let's just say he's sat on more faces in boystown than stools. I'm afraid I can't say that. He's also been Hiv positive for years too but I've never heard him complain once, about anything. That may be because he's worth a hundred and seventy million. HIs grandmother was Cree and was one of the original investors in Lakota topical analgesic. She made a fortune when she sold her shares and left it all to him when she died at forty. He's never stopped working though. It's not because he 's cheap even though he is, He says it's because he'd die if he did. I understand. That's why I never started.

He was fresh from having his cheeks, which have been ravaged by *Hiv related facial wasting, plumped up with the latest filler and he looked fabulous. Of course I'd say that about anyone who was coming towards me shirtless and holding aloft an ice cold martini, well maybe not Charlotte Rae. What am I saying? That actually happened once and I enjoyed the encounter immensely. Anyway, he said he was thinking of getting liposuction on his **buffalo hump too and fat injections into his buttocks which are dissapearing faster than the Antarrctic Ice Shelf. So I said why don't they just take the excess fat out of your back and put it into your ass. It's gotta be cheaper. He really perked up at that. I should get a commission.

The rest of the night passed in a blur which is exactly what I needed to put all that had happened in the last two weeks into perspective. There had been the total destruction of my jungle blogcasting studio, the loss of Ortiz the first, the encounter with the surviving Golden Girls, a tender love affair with Ortiz the second, a bi-plane crash, a boat sinking, a horse execution, meeting Julie Newmar and finally the terrorist attack by 'Anonymous.' Truly it had been a memorable fortnight. And now here I was back in this cold northern town with no money, no job, no lover and I felt great because I was drunk but mostly because I had ewe. I mean that seriously. Two weeks ago there were roughly fifteen regular viewers. Today there are roughly two hundred. And according to my stats man Vladimir, tomorrow we will pass the Two Thousandth Visitor mark. That's more people than died in Vietnam.

*the term used to describe the hollowing out of the cheeks of hiv positive people on the hiv drug cocktail also happens to the buttocks
**the term used to describe the fatty deposits which accumulate in the backs and neck of people on the cocktail

Gabcast! ewe #23 - Blue Square

Sal Surroundo, Barley Jones and Victor Vep clown around on the set of 'Blue Square' a popular Canadian children's television show set inside a television set.



Tavie said...

Where did you go?

Lana said...

Isn't it depressing to come back from a vacation? Especially when you are coming from warm weather and going back to cold weather.
I've experienced the feeling a few times myself.

I've also seen "HIV related facial wasting" up close and it is horrifying! I refer to it as the "Brundlefly" effect. I have to disagree with you about Charlotte Rae though. She was pretty hot between the 1979-1984 seasons of 'The Facts Of Life'.

P.S. LMAO@ "dissapearing faster than the Arctic Ice Shelf"!

Lana said...

Oh wait, you did say that you once enjoyed Miss Rae. Forget my agreement to disagree with you.

I've had some wine tonight so it is hard for me to read right now.

Anonymous said...

There are only 12 Cylon models.

Tavie said...

Lana, you're wrong, she was hot starting in 1980; she dropped quite a bit of weight between the first and second seasons, but she wasn't hot in 1979.

Vivian said...

I love you, Buddy.

Alister said...

It's great to hear that you've made it home safe.
Your blog has been a little wild lately.
I finally got my google blog account working.

I'll be talking to you soon. I can't wait to hear the details of your trip.

I want Uday's t-shirt!

- Atister Honeychurch

Alister said...

Oh and yes..... I love you Buddy.

Anonymous said...

I was wondering if it was you who did the wonderfull drawings of Mike and Uday that accompanied this fantastic post. And of course, I love you Buddy.


Lana said...'re right!

Allison said...

What an adorable kitty! Does he also have clothes from FCUK?

And I could've sworn that your old bar burnt down. Did they rebuild it?

Allison said...

P.S. I've been having a Wikipedia-editing war with someone who keeps deleting the link to ewe from Scott Thompson's Wikipedia page. I'll go and put the link back in, and come back later and it'll be gone, and so on ad nauseum --- it is truly weird! Are you sure you don't still have enemies about, trying to sabatoge your chances at success? Dr. Young maybe?

BiPolar said...

Buddy, traveling with ewe is a blast!

Yes, it's cold enough outside "to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".

It's time for you to hop into your faux mink jock strap. The one without the eyes and teeth. You Brute! Let Uday be.

X-o-X (French kiss no tongue) I've read where you've been. Lotsa love though :)

Anonymous said...

saw your appearence on the tom green show. Awsome stuff, you gotta go back in character!

Sara said...

"Blue Square" is my new favorite song, and Uday is my new favorite cat.

Shaina said...

So, is this the new and improved bar or is it just so awesome that no fire can destroy it? I would imagine it's the latter due to that answer being much more awesome.

Anonymous said...

FYI: I am the non-evil-non-Fiori-chum-anonymous!!!!!! Yeeeeaaahhhh!!!! Mr.Cole is back and we are moisting our undies in curious despair to see some of your travel pics!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah! One movie producer we both know is horribly pissed due to my comments to the screening of his latest flick with Sarandon and Plummer and so on because I told him I fell asleep for the first time in a movie watching it!!!!! Had to throw in some movie related comment in the name of the Oscars!!!!!!!!Won't even tell you the time I ended up watching it with LA LIZ TAYLOR in her Bel Air pad pigging out on KFC buckets with "Sugar" running around pissing all over the place! But that's another story.....
Long Live Mr. Cole!!!!!!

geheebers said...

Welcome home, Buddy!
I know a shi tsu named "Abu" who would probably get along very well with Uday.
You are as generous with your humor as you are with beauty secrets. Wouldn't everyone look a lot better if they just used a touch of mascara? and wouldn't everyone feel a lot better if they had a good laugh?
I heard a story about someone wearing a lot of makeup who returned to a party after Mike had been doing some sitting...and she had forgotten to do a mirror check.
Did you get all the way home with that little wheelie bag? I am convinced that Ortiz was following you in the limousine the whole time, just out of sight, with your luggage and freshly mixed martinis...or maybe that was your luggage.
Buddy, you have always been an inspiration to me and to many, many wonderful men and women. (I list them separately, just in case it would be presumptuous of me to group us all together)

Monster Records said...

Yo Buddy!

You'll be happy to know, March 27 is the release date for Mary Hartman on DVD!

Take care!


buddy cole said...

Monster rog, that is the best news since the armistice.

Oscar said...

Dr. Harvey Abrams in Los Angeles, California has had great success with treating the "Buffalo Hump" or fat pad on the back of many clients. He also has a permanent treatment for facial and buttock fat loss. Feel free to call OSCAR at 323-936-1245 for more information and to schedule a free consultation.

lory said...

GREAT SONG!! thanks!