Uday and Mike

Well I'm home and am I ever glad. When I left two weeks and change ago to open my state of the art production facilities deep in the heart of the jungle in a country I can't name for security reasons there had been no winter. I arrived back to the coldest day of the year. Minus twenty and bitchy. My apartment was stunning as usual but an icebox. The first person to greet me was my black cat Uday. He had been boarding at record producer/music impresario Sal Surroundo's downton condo and even though he was treated like a king there as evidenced by his new Uncle Sal tummy he had no access to the outside and thus no way to kill. This is hell to a cat especially one named after Saddam Hussein's psychotic son. He was wearing his favourite t-shirt from CNUT and he looked amazing. I'm not one for dressing up animals but when they put it on themselves, well then that's a different story. After a session of man/cat wrestling cum lovemaking which left both of us sweaty and confused I left him passed out on the floor and tiptoed quietly out the door.

Then I headed on over to the bar , the bar I used to own but now just frequent. My favourite waiter in the world Mike Killdeer was there. He worked for me before when I owned the place. I'm gone but he's still there. There's no hard feelings. I had other priorities which we'll get to eventually. Mike has been a waiter everywhere in this town and done everyone too. Let's just say he's sat on more faces in boystown than stools. I'm afraid I can't say that. He's also been Hiv positive for years too but I've never heard him complain once, about anything. That may be because he's worth a hundred and seventy million. HIs grandmother was Cree and was one of the original investors in Lakota topical analgesic. She made a fortune when she sold her shares and left it all to him when she died at forty. He's never stopped working though. It's not because he 's cheap even though he is, He says it's because he'd die if he did. I understand. That's why I never started.

He was fresh from having his cheeks, which have been ravaged by *Hiv related facial wasting, plumped up with the latest filler and he looked fabulous. Of course I'd say that about anyone who was coming towards me shirtless and holding aloft an ice cold martini, well maybe not Charlotte Rae. What am I saying? That actually happened once and I enjoyed the encounter immensely. Anyway, he said he was thinking of getting liposuction on his **buffalo hump too and fat injections into his buttocks which are dissapearing faster than the Antarrctic Ice Shelf. So I said why don't they just take the excess fat out of your back and put it into your ass. It's gotta be cheaper. He really perked up at that. I should get a commission.

The rest of the night passed in a blur which is exactly what I needed to put all that had happened in the last two weeks into perspective. There had been the total destruction of my jungle blogcasting studio, the loss of Ortiz the first, the encounter with the surviving Golden Girls, a tender love affair with Ortiz the second, a bi-plane crash, a boat sinking, a horse execution, meeting Julie Newmar and finally the terrorist attack by 'Anonymous.' Truly it had been a memorable fortnight. And now here I was back in this cold northern town with no money, no job, no lover and I felt great because I was drunk but mostly because I had ewe. I mean that seriously. Two weeks ago there were roughly fifteen regular viewers. Today there are roughly two hundred. And according to my stats man Vladimir, tomorrow we will pass the Two Thousandth Visitor mark. That's more people than died in Vietnam.

*the term used to describe the hollowing out of the cheeks of hiv positive people on the hiv drug cocktail also happens to the buttocks
**the term used to describe the fatty deposits which accumulate in the backs and neck of people on the cocktail

Gabcast! ewe #23 - Blue Square

Sal Surroundo, Barley Jones and Victor Vep clown around on the set of 'Blue Square' a popular Canadian children's television show set inside a television set.





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